Merton College in Oxford is delighted to announce that Professor Artur Ekert has been honored with the Milner Award for his pioneering contributions to quantum communication and computation. His work has transformed the field of quantum information science from a niche academic activity into a vibrant interdisciplinary field of industrial relevance.
Professor Ekert’s invention of entanglement-based quantum cryptography forged connections between the foundations of quantum physics and secure communication. This led to a surge in research activity worldwide, and it continues to inspire new research directions.
In addition to his celebrated discovery that Bell’s inequalities can be used for eavesdropping detection, Professor Ekert has made numerous significant contributions to the theoretical basis and practical realization of quantum communication and computation. These include research on the universality of quantum logic gates, developing the first methods for stabilizing and protecting quantum operations, elucidating the unifying structure of quantum algorithms, and proposing one of the first practical designs for quantum computation.
“Unearthing the connections between cryptography and the foundations of quantum theory has been a captivating journey and it is very gratifying to have my work recognised. Quantum theory has undeniably unlocked numerous novel ways to understand and harness nature, including information, and I am excited to see what developments unfold over the near future.”
Professor Ekert
Each year, the Royal Society recognizes exceptional research achievements by awarding a series of prestigious medals and prizes. Professor Ekert is one of a group of four Oxford University researchers to receive Royal Society Awards for 2022-23. Congratulations to all.
Image: profile view of a person’s face with a diagram of their skeletal structure and brain structure superimposed, symbolizing the unique neurotypes we are all a part of.
The following is written by my beautiful daughter Kai Bibeau, author of The Autistic Ambassador blog https://theautisticambassador.com/2021/09/30/example-post-3/. Not only is she physically beautiful, but she has a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul. Kai is my fifth child, the baby of the family. About the 25th paragraph down in this post, Kai refers to the time when she was young and in retrospect says she felt she was “overly” attached to me. I remember this time because she wanted to be held a lot, which I treasured. She and I decided together that she would wait one more year before she entered kindergarten.
For her nursery school education, I had organized with three other parents who had nursery school aged children, who wanted to take part in our own nursery school experience. I had asked a nursery school teacher what the children needed to know before going into kindergarten. I was told nursery school children need to know their colors and numbers, be able to use scissors, and be able to take directions from someone who was not their parent. Together we held our own nursery school, each of us taking one-week shifts. We toured the Fire and Police Departments, went to museums, learned how to tie-dye t-shirts, plant seeds, and an entire year’s worth of other educational activities.
Now that she is a grown adult with her own life, I see now what I did not see when she was a child, that she not only has Autism, but is able to help so many people, Autistic, and non-Autistic alike. I don’t know if she fully realizes the impact of her educational posts about Autism, so I am sharing another of her posts here.
Both my husband and I understand Autistic people to be very gifted individuals, even perhaps a step up in our evolution, highly perceptive, introspective, aware, and sensitive, among other valuable traits missing in today’s society. It’s a matter of retraining our brains to better understand Autism and the people who are born with these traits. It is not our labeling of people that needs to improve. It is our empathetic and compassionate understanding of Autism and how it affects all of us, Autistic and non-Autistic alike, and how we interact with each other with dignity and magnanimity of spirit.
Kai is the author of the following words:
Something occurred to me the other day.
There’s this “war” that’s raging between “autism moms/dads” (usually non-autistic parents of autistic children) and actually autistic adults.
It basically goes like this:
Autistic adults like me make content educating people about what it’s really like to be autistic, we speak out against the barbaric “therapies” that autistic children have to endure (as many of us were once those autistic children having to also endure it), and suggesting ways that neurodivergence can be better understood and accommodated. “Autism moms” and “autism dads” then respond by saying, “you’re nothing like my ‘severely’ autistic son, therefore you can’t speak for him,” etc.
This is really strange for several reasons:
1. Often, these exchanges are happening on the internet, through written word exchanges. The “autism mom” or “autism dad” assumes that if an autistic adult is able to write coherently, they must be more “advanced” than their child who they view as being “less advanced.”
2. It’s bizarre to compare a grown adult to a child.
3. It’s bizarre to assume, from someone’s written communication, what they’re functioning level is.
4. Autistic adults are not just advocating for themselves, we are advocating for all autistic people, from those with high support needs to those with lower support needs who are able to live more independently. We are advocating for systemic changes that harm no one and help everyone throughout the entire spectrum of the autistic neurotype. We’re trying to be a tide that raises all boats.
On points number one and two, assuming that those who can type and communicate coherently in the written word are “more advanced” than they perceive their autistic child to be, there’s just so much wrong with an assumption like that.
First, I have met SEVERAL autistic people online through the years who are extremely intelligent and articulate in their written communications who can’t and do not speak orally in the regular course of their day, who use sign language and assistive communication devices in order to communicate regularly. If someone saw this person out in public, not speaking, not making eye contact, APPARENTLY being completely unresponsive to the environment around them, APPARENTLY being “not there” and not able to hear or process what people are saying, they would most likely conclude that that person was what they consider to be “severely” autistic (there is, of course, no “severe” autism.)
Yet, that supposedly “severely autistic person” IS there and IS accurately perceiving the environment around them, IS able to understand what people are saying, IS able to process it. And what’s more, non-speaking adult autistics have come forward time and time again to say they ARE glad that speaking autistics are doing advocacy work and that speaking autistics CAN speak for non-speaking autistics. There was even a non-speaking autistic person I came across who went through ABA “therapy” as a child (that people thought he was “enjoying”) and when he was finally given an assistive communication device, his first words were, “leave me the fuck alone.” I heard of another whose first words when they got an assistive communication device were, “I understood everything.” But “autism moms/dads” don’t want to hear that. They don’t like a world where autistic children, even those who can’t speak, are capable of independent thought.
People seem to think any non-speaking autistic person who has high support needs and requires round the clock care is also intellectually disabled and as such unable to speak for themselves. However, there are autistic people who do need round the clock assistance who aren’t intellectually disabled and who CAN type and have coherent, intelligent conversations online in the written word, and people are assuming incompetence and intellectual disability based solely on the ability to inability of a person to speak, on whether or not they need help with basic living tasks.
Most people are familiar with the movie Rain Man. Despite it being a very good representation of an autistic person with high intelligence but who has high support needs, it’s a movie a lot of autistic people find HURTS autism acceptance by creating the unspoken expectation that ALL autistic people are like Dustin Hoffman’s portrayal of an autistic person in that movie. That said, I DO love that it shows a scene where Tom Cruise screams at his autistic brother, played by Dustin Hoffman, “you can’t tell me you’re not in there!!!” He screams this in frustration after seeing Dustin Hoffman win them a lot of money in Las Vegas because of his special gift of being able to estimate mathematical things like statistics, yet, he is verbally unresponsive much of the time, has rigid routines, etc. I love it because it shows the fundamental misunderstanding people have about intelligence in autistic people and what it “should” make us able to do.
It’s a misunderstanding I’ve run into SO much in my life. I actually have a very high IQ. I’m very intelligent and very coherent in the written word. I am also an expert social chameleon – over the course of my life, I have become expert at “masking” socially (basically acting like a non-autistic person) If you’re only ever around me very periodically for short periods of time, you will most likely walk away from an interaction with me thinking that I’m: funny, outgoing, intelligent, charming, and certainly could NOT be autistic. BUT if you’re around me regularly, you will begin to understand that there’s a limit to my social abilities. You’ll begin to understand that I have a mental repertoire of stored “acceptable” neurotypical social responses, around the 300th time I’ve responded, “cool” or “awesome” to something you’ve said. In SPOKEN conversations, I’m much like what’s called a Non-Player Character in a video game, which is basically a character that is programmed to say only a few things. At first, the Non-Player Character may appear to be able to interact really naturally with another character playing the video game, but the longer you interact with them, the more you hear them repeating themselves, the more you realize there’s a limit to what they’ve been programmed to say. I’m the same way.
People have seen me demonstrate intelligence either through convincingly masking or through something I did well and then from that assumed that I could of course do other things well, like organize, like to basic or “simple” tasks. I have been offered jobs by people when I wasn’t even looking for work because they were so impressed by my apparent competence, only to fire me later when it was discovered that I routinely mess up on the “simple” things they think I should of course have a grip on.
Here’s what’s happening – you can be intelligent, genius even, yet have executive dysfunction.
Executive functions are controlled by the prefrontal cortex of the brain which has been shown in studies to take 30% longer in autistic and ADHD brains to develop and even when it does develop, functioning is still impaired.
Executive functions can be thought of as the air traffic control tower in the brain. They are cognitive abilities that allow someone to do things like start and stop tasks, take a goal, and break it down into smaller steps and arrange those smaller steps into the most logical order, to then start, continue, and finally complete those tasks. They include things like working memory, inhibition (being able to control and sustain focus and attention without getting distracted), initiation (being able to begin a task) and more.
I personally have executive dysfunction and the best way I can describe it is that instead of having a truly competent manager in charge of the air traffic control tower in my brain, I don’t have a manager at all. I have some lower-level employees and none of them know how to work all together to keep planes from crashing.
Yet I still don’t think this is a disorder or defect, you may be asking? Yep, I still think this is just another way a human being develops, and still think that if neurodivergent people outnumbered neurotypical people, the society would be built to accommodate US and our unique executive functioning and would look nothing like the current society.
Yet I still don’t think this is a disorder or defect, you may be asking? Yep, I still think this is just another way a human being develops, and still think that if neurodivergent people outnumbered neurotypical people, the society would be built to accommodate US and our unique executive functioning and would look nothing like the current society.
As it is, we need accommodations and help in the current society. Some of us need a lot of help. While I’m very intelligent, I struggle with keeping up with the simple tasks of daily living, for instance. While I may APPEAR to be competent enough to run a company or be a manager, when I’ve been in managerial roles, it quickly becomes apparent that no I am not. Time and time again people have been baffled by how someone who could demonstrate as much intelligence as I do be so absent minded and make so many mistakes on the job.
What the heck does this have to do with “autism moms” and “autism dads” assuming autistic adults are not like their “less advanced” children because we demonstrate intelligence in the written word? Everything.
I mentioned coming across autistic people who would, by most “autism mom” and “autism dad” standards, be considered “severely” autistic. I’ve observed exchanges between autistic people like this and “autism moms/dads” online and seen the “autism moms/dads” attacking the autistic adult person for trying to speak for their “severely” autistic child and then seen them be absolutely flabbergasted when the autistic person reveals that they are non-speaking and living in a group home or needing round the clock care. The autism moms/dads just don’t know what to say then. They find it hard to believe that someone could express such coherent communication in writing yet not be able to transfer that intelligence to the simple every day tasks of living or, indeed, to speaking.
It reveals that a lot of autism moms/dads believe that their own non-speaking children are unintelligent. They mistakenly conflate the ability to speak with intelligence and think if anyone can even write, that means they are more intelligent than their own children.
But these parents also forget that we WERE once autistic children. I wasn’t born knowing how to mask, for instance. I was actually painfully shy and “overly” attached to my mother as a young child. I LEARNED how to mimic my peers, and to do so convincingly, because I grew up in a town that was vicious in terms of bullying. I WAS able to speak, unlike some other autistic people, and I used that ability to my advantage to camouflage myself. But maybe THEIR children haven’t learned how to mask yet. Maybe THEIR children are at the same age I was when I also hadn’t learned to mask yet, when I was more obviously showing autistic traits.
And going back to the four points above, point three, being bizarre to assume someone’s functioning based on their ability to communicate in the written word, I’ve pretty much covered that here. But to elaborate a little more, there have been plenty of times where I lost the ability to speak because of sensory overwhelm, overstimulation, being in an autistic shutdown, etc. yet I was able to text. I also experience selective mutism which had been mistakenly misconstrued as me giving the “silent treatment” at various points in my life when in reality, I COULD NOT speak no matter how much I may have wanted to. It still happens to me as an adult. It’s not something I’ve aged out of. Someone, reading the long posts I often make, might assume that if I can write these big, long posts, of course I could speak 100% of the time. But they’d be wrong, just as they’d be wrong about people who can type but are NEVER able to speak.
You simply cannot discern someone’s level of functioning from the written word OR from whether or not they’re able to speak orally. Not only is it impossible to do so, even if you could do it, it wouldn’t be accurate from day to day as functioning levels fluctuate in EVERYONE, regardless of neurotype, from moment to moment, day to day, based on how much sleep you’re getting, how much stress you’re under, what circumstances you may be going through, etc. Those factors affect even a non-autistic person’s ability to function from day to day, so of COURSE those factors also affect an autistic person’s ability to function.
So yes, autistic adults, even those who are able to speak coherently on YouTube videos and even those who are able to compose articulate communications online in the written word, ARE able to advocate for autistic children, even the ones parents mistakenly consider to be “severely” autistic, because even adults who would be considered by them to also be “severely” autistic are able to enter these online spaces and have these conversations with these parents.
And even if there WERE such a thing as being “severely” autistic (which there isn’t, there are simply autistic people who need various levels of support) a “non-severely” autistic person would STILL have more in common with that “severely” autistic child than the non-autistic parent does. Being in PROXIMITY, even close proximity as parents are with children, to an autistic person does NOT make anyone more of an expert on the autistic experience than an actual autistic person.
And it’s just absolutely freaking bizarre to me that a parent who SHOULD want the world to be more accepting of their children and should want there to be more accommodations available to their child and should want their child not to be discriminated against or harmed is FIGHTING the adult autistic people who are trying to achieve these things for all autistic people. Just absolutely bizarre why they are not THE most enthusiastic supporters of adult autistic self-advocates!!!
The only reason I can see why they wouldn’t be is because they’ve bought the concept of autism as a tragic disease (which it is not, studies prove it not to be) and they’ve built their whole identity around being a victim of it, and they don’t WANT to accept their child as they are. They WANT to be seen as a martyr. They WANT to hold on to the narrative of them as the hero fighting the formidable enemy of autism that has their poor child in its clutches. And THAT is why they bristle against adult autistics who say point out the studies that are being done which demonstrate that autistic brains are basically just a different operating system, like the difference between Mac computers and Windows, or between Android phones and iPhones.
They bristle against adult autistics because they don’t perceive their child as healthy, they perceive their child as defiant and constantly injuring themselves in meltdowns and they are freaking out about how their child will ever be “normal” and have the things THEY think their child should have, which basically boils down to the life of a neurotypical child. They don’t want to hear that autistic children don’t just melt down because meltdowns are part of autism, and that meltdowns ONLY happen when the autistic child’s needs aren’t being met. They don’t want to hear that what appears like defiance in their autistic child is actually an unmet sensory need. Because then that suggests that they’ve been neglecting their child’s needs. It suggests that they need to change. And they’d rather stick to the narrative that paints them as a soldier in the trenches besieged by some horrible adversary in an never-ending war. Because then they don’t have to change. Then, they don’t have to admit to themselves something NO parent wants to admit to themselves – that the way they’ve been acting has been harming their children. It’s no wonder these parents are so resistant to autistic adults because this is what we show them, that the standard view of autism leads to poor outcomes for autistic children and that it needs to change. These parents are told by hate groups like Autism Speaks that autism is evil and that they are heroes, and they really internalize that. And then when adult autistic people come around trying to clear the record, we are resisted.
They don’t want to hear that the “therapy” they’re putting their kids through is literally abuse. No parent wants to believe they’re harming their kid, but some parents just get so wrapped up in making a kids’ diagnosis all about them that they can’t see the harm they’re doing and will vilify ANYONE who tries to point it out to them.
And so, bizarre as it is, there is this HUGE rift between the adult autistic community and autism moms/dads. Autism moms/dads don’t believe we have any right to advocate for their autistic children because we’re, according to them, nothing like them and so don’t understand the REAL issues, despite the fact that we WERE once those autistic children and very much understand the real issues and certainly understand autism more than a non-autistic person, especially one who has chosen to see autism in the absolute worst possible light and who has shut their mind to new information demonstrating that autism is just another way of being human.
In a society where oral, spoken communication is the norm, where eye contact is the norm, where small talk is the norm, where our current professional and scholastic expectations and social expectations are the norm, sure, autistic people are disabled. And I mean that as a verb, like we are actively BEING disabled by the society around us. Were the society predominated by autistic people, not being able to speak verbally wouldn’t be seen as some tragedy, just as a different way of communicating that would readily be accommodated by typing, by sign language, by assistive communication devices. Not being able to make eye contact would be the norm. Professional and scholastic and social expectations would be modeled around autistic neurology and so suit it much better. And maybe the neurotypical minority would be seen as being disabled in a society like that.
The main crux of the issue is that neurotypical people think that just because their neurology is the most common, it is the best, and anything different must be bad. That’s really the whole issue. And autistic adults like myself stand up and say, “actually being autistic isn’t bad, we’re just different.” And THAT is why we are shot down by neurotypical people, for daring to suggest that being neurotypical isn’t the pinnacle of righteous humanity. And that quite frankly just needs to change. Neurotypical people need to realize there’s more than one way to be human and that just because the majority of people are one way, that does not mean it is the BEST way, and that other ways are bad and shouldn’t be accommodated.
Maybe one day we will see the day where “autism moms/dads” stop fighting the very people who are trying to make life better for ALL autistic people. And that day can’t come too soon.
Yelling solves nothing. But it is important to listen to the words being said.
Have you ever been in a heated argument, constantly screaming over the other person, so insistent on being heard that you do not hear what the other person was saying in the first place, without changing the subject to something that hurt you in the past, which never really addresses the original subject?
Holistic counseling is the course of action to take if current words keep sending you back to past hurts. Unresolved issues will keep surfacing when certain buttons are pushed in your emotional self unless these ties to dysfunction are cut and sealed, allowing your emotional self to heal and move on. It is a life lesson that will keep repeating until it is finally addressed.
Words pack a powerful punch. Once said, words cannot be taken back. We can apologize for the things we say, but once they fly out of the mouth, words said take on a life of their own. Self-justification matters little when words reflect deep-seated hostility, masked as boundaries.
What helps to defuse arguments?
Listening.
Listen to what has been said, as opposed to yelling and throwing an emotional fit, hijacking the limelight, and introducing drama over how the hurtful statement was delivered. This is a deflection method sure to not address the original subject.
Communication skills involve listening to the other person without interrupting. This can be hard to hear when everything the other person says triggers deep-seated emotional issues in yourself. Still, listening without interrupting is the key.
Communicating also does not need loud and angry voices to get the point across. If screaming at each other has been the model you have been using, you will not get to the point of understanding, nor solving communication issues. No one wants to be the one whose voice has been silenced constantly by others constantly interrupting. No wonder another person feels frustrated to the point that the only way to get the message out is to finally erupt.
Volcanos erupt after enough pressure is applied. This happens in broken-down communication, where only one side gets to talk. This also happens most often with fast talkers who do not have the patience to wait to hear what the other person has to say. This is not kind nor fair.
Insisting that “I did nothing wrong,” does not solve an argument. It is a way to break a relationship. Those words solve nothing. In any argument, both sides need to apologize, not just one. That is the height of tripping on your own ego to think that if only the other person listened to you completely, the problem would be solved. This invalidates the other person’s existence, feelings, and point of view, which might be different from your own.
Repairing relationships is possible. But it requires calm and placing yourself in the other person’s shoes to actually hear what is being said. Interrupting, yelling and screaming have a way of stopping listening. Listen with a calm focus on attempting to understand the others point of view, not constantly going back to your point of view. It helps to repeat what the other person is say as a way to show you do understand what is being said.
No one likes to be wrong. But sometimes we are wrong. The ego does not like this part and will encourage you to fight back with fighting or lengthy words. This does nothing but go back down the rabbit hole of dysfunction again.
Relationship healing is possible. It happens when both sides listen completely to what the other side has to say. When one side has completed what they want to say, that side stops talking. Next, the other side has the same opportunity to speak, uninterrupted. Interrupting someone when they are speaking means you are not listening. Make sure not to interrupt each other. Set time limits to speak if necessary, anything in order that each side is not interrupted.
How does a country heal from gun violence, COVID-19, physical and mental assault, relationship dysfunction, and even self-sabotage? How does anyone heal anything? Love is the only answer for every problem, every time.
The answer is simple, yet profoundly difficult to achieve, like most worthwhile endeavors, such as alcoholism – stop drinking, weight loss – stop over eating, quit smoking – stop smoking.
What does it take for some police to stop killing black and all non-white people in the streets of our nation? What does it take to competently address addictions in this country? What does it take to get rid of COVID-19, not just live with it forever? Is there a common denominator that will heal self-sabotage we are all victim of from time to time?
LOVE IS THE ANSWER.
It is a simple, yet profound principle that makes for the best motivation in any kind of healing. Right now, we are a grieving nation from blatant cruelty from the trigger of guns, drug and alcohol addictions, and millions of deaths of our loved ones who died from the deadly pandemic sweeping the world. We are still trying to solve the best way to help asylum seekers seeking safety at our borders, reuniting children with their parents.
Calling things what they are, rather than hype up language with a cause, such as calling asylum seekers violent criminals, will defuse many situations. Uniting, rather than dividing, is the suggestion here.
Individually we can tackle each problem with a different set of solutions. Yet the bottom line for all these problems is love. The kind of love I am addressing here is agape love, brotherly love.
This is different from the selfish love, me-first love, only taking care of me and my-own love.
Genuine empathy, compassion, and love needs to infiltrate our hearts. This requires love without measure.
We are all in this life together, regardless of personality likes and dislikes, abilities and disabilities, class distinctions, and personal gifts and attributes. A deeper understanding of our shared human condition will lead the way out of the dark, self-serving and self-sabotaging agendas of political and religious leaders.
Now is the time to begin again applying the Gold Rule foundation for decision making in all areas. This works in the arenas of justice, immigration, and every other area of life we can think of. Acting in fair and equitable ways is not a push over. It just makes things more human. Let us all begin again, right where we are, to treat others the way we wish to be treated.
No one person or group is better than any other group. We have pride in our heritage, but ours is not the only heritage there is, obviously. We can get along with our neighbors, even globally. There is a way to communicate with those who do not agree with us without violence.
War is not a communication skill.
If we all chose the path of least resistance, we would find our problems would be solved easier. Ramping up violence, ramps up violence. We see this in the world, our politics, and even our families.
Creative problem solving requires innovative minds. Get more sleep. Eat good food. Exercise the body. These sound like simple things to start with, but they work. Many problems do go away with a good night’s rest.
The wind forms all kinds of interesting textures in the sand dunes of Maspalomas in the Gran Canaria, Canary Islands, Spain.
I happen to be a mother whose first child, a daughter, stopped speaking with her over 20 years ago. Obviously I do not have all the answers on solving this situation. But I have studied healing relationships for most of my adult life as a holistic health counselor, and have helped many others on their journeys to healthy relationships after falling into some common pitfalls. An open heart and willingness to heal is the missing ingredient in all cases.
I have found the key to healing begins with both parties, in this case mothers and daughters, wanting to heal. Here are some of the pitfalls to watch out for that will sink any relationship like quicksand if they are not addressed.
Most of us know when we are being manipulated by others using the all familiar tactics of fear, obligation and guilt (aka FOG). But at other times, we can be entangled in the web of other people’s preconceived control-freak game before we are consciously aware it is taking place. This is when others will set up or spin situations to their benefit, much to the infringement of our own free will and immediate knowledge. This is bullying. This is abuse.
1. What is the tell tale sign this is happening to us? 2. How do we make it stop? 3. How do we get control of our life back without threats by others?
If you are being bullied, tell someone. Seek counseling. If you are being abused, tell someone. Seek counseling.
Has anyone ever said to you, “You need to do this, that or the other thing, or else I won’t speak to you anymore,’ or, ‘If you speak to that person, I will never talk to you again,’ or, ‘Stop it, or else I won’t love you, speak to you, or have you in my life anymore.’?” If so, AND YOU GO ALONG WITH IT, you have been or are being manipulated.
Sadly, this is even used as a weapon in divorces. If you go along with the manipulator’s whims, you will only be able to speak with or associate with only the people manipulators say can be in your life, or any other conditions they wish to control. Sometimes the manipulation abuser uses other threats, but there is always a threat involving the relationship you and the abuser share. It’s a control-freak game.
Manipulation and guilt are forms of psychological and emotional abuse. Once it is recognized by the victim, health only returns to the person who has been bullied by manipulation tactics when the situation is addressed. It requires a one-on-one communication with the manipulator, no middle man or referee. Once anyone has stepped between the manipulator and the person being manipulated, no healing can take place until or if the manipulator and the person being manipulated address the situation personally.
Once the manipulation abuser becomes aware that they themselves were often first manipulated by this bullying technique, their mental state can only become healthy when they recognize how manipulation first restricted them, and fully acknowledge that fact. It is quite an eye opener.
At first it is a hard pill to swallow because manipulation abusers want to justify in their past actions. It hurts when the manipulator first comes to the realization that they themselves were first victims of the bullying, manipulating game by those they loved, or included in their lives through work, social and all other human interaction circles.
Families, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, and other family relations, work relations, and all other human interactions have been split up by these hurtful words lasting a lifetime. Sometimes it is over a one-way situation, leaving one person in the two-step manipulation dance of avoidance totally in the dark. For non-family manipulation and bullying situations, we simply walk away. But when it comes to family, it is good to know that these situations can heal if both sides care to work on it.
Manipulating in order to get ones way is a childish act, something two-years-old children discover to be very effective. In the maturing process, sometimes we forget to be better people.
Once someone has been the victim earlier in their life in the manipulation game, they have also learned how to be manipulators themselves, continuing the control-freak downward spiral. If they are smart, and many are, and recognize that they do not want to pass on the terrible bullying and manipulation tendencies to continue the victimization cycle, they stop, seek restitution to the relationship, opening the door to forgiveness. This takes inner fortitude. It can be difficult, but it is not impossible.
The victimization cycle can be broken. People can emotionally and psychologically grow up. But it requires brutal honesty with ones self. It also requires a forgiving heart, not just for those we have victimized, but also for the manipulator her/himself. We can be the world’s worst critics of ourselves. We need to learn how to forgive ourselves so we can then forgive those we have hurt by our own thoughts, words and actions. Healing is possible.
Sometimes it is harder for those of us who were or still are victims to forgive their emotional and psychological manipulation and bullying transgressors. But this also can happen, even if the manipulation abuser and bully has deceased. It is the forgiving intention and action that heals the heart.
Most often these situations brew over time. It is less rare that they just pop up over night. It happens in families. It happens in work, social, religious, educational, financial, governments and all human interaction circles. Manipulation caused by intentional fear is at the root of the guilt and obligation we feel.
Sometimes the manipulator succeeds in twisting the truth so much that we are led to assume that we are the ones who are at fault and need to get the blame for the broken relationship. At other times innocent characters get slandered when truth twisting gets neatly spun into a web of convenient lies, as if manipulating and bullying aren’t devious enough.
This is part of the intended victimization process. But once light dawns and we see things clearly for what is actually taking place, we can take a deep breath and begin to do what we can to heal the situation when such opportunities arise. If the possibility for healing does not present itself, WE DO NOT STAY IN THE VICTIM ROLE. We do what we can and move on and live our lives peacefully with faith, hope and love. Those are the only answers.
If emotional and psychological healing is what we want for both sides, then we should first pray. Prayer cannot be underrated, and is the only thing that can work when all else fails.
Healing involves a decision. To move past unbelievable hurt in broken relationships, we need to be ready for reconciliation when it becomes possible and desired, if ever it happens, even when we think this opportunity might never present itself.
This post is addressing emotional abuse, not physical abuse, which include other guidelines and counsel.
It is never too late to mend a broken relationship while people are still alive.
Preston Ni, a professor, presenter, private coach and author of Communication Success With Four Personality Types and How To Communicate Effectively And Handle Difficult People, authored the article in Psychology Today entitled, 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. His 14 signs of psychological and emotional manipulation are listed below.
Relationships can be confusing. To help clarify what we are going through and to decide the best way to proceed to a healthier state, it is good to look at the 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. It will help to recognize manipulative signs in order to put a stop to them, either by us being the manipulator or by us being the abused victim of the manipulator.
“Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim’s expense.
“It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda,” Ni says.
Ni lists 14 tell-tail signs to watch out for:
1. A manipulative individual may insist on you meeting and interacting in a physical space where he or she can exercise more dominance and control. This can be the manipulator’s office, home, car, or other spaces where he feels ownership and familiarity (and where you lack them).
2. Many sales people do this when they prospect you. By asking you general and probing questions, they establish a baseline about your thinking and behavior, from which they can then evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. This type of questioning with hidden agenda can also occur at the workplace or in personal relationships.
3. Manipulation of facts is another sign to watch out for. Examples of this include: lying, excuse making, being two faced, blaming the victim for causing their own victimization, deformation of the truth, strategic disclosure or withholding of key information, exaggeration, understatement, and have a one-sided bias of issue.
4. Some individuals enjoy “intellectual bullying” by presuming to be the expert and most knowledgeable in certain areas. They take advantage of you by imposing alleged facts, statistics, and other data you may know little about. This can happen in sales and financial situations, in professional discussions and negotiations, as well as in social and relational arguments. By presuming expert power over you, the manipulator hopes to push through her or his agenda more convincingly. Some people use this technique for no other reason than to feel a sense of intellectual superiority.
5. Certain people use bureaucracy – paperwork, procedures, laws and by-laws, committees, and other roadblocks to maintain their position and power, while making your life more difficult. This technique can also be used to delay fact finding and truth seeking, hide flaws and weaknesses, and evade scrutiny.
6. Some individuals raise their voice during discussions as a form of aggressive manipulation. The assumption may be that if they project their voice loudly enough, or display negative emotions, you’ll submit to their coercion and give them what they want. The aggressive voice is frequently combined with strong body language such as standing or excited gestures to increase impact.
7. Some people use negative surprises to put you off balance and gain a psychological advantage. This can range from low balling in a negotiation situation, to a sudden profession that she or he will not be able to come through and deliver in some way. Typically, the unexpected negative information comes without warning, so you have little time to prepare and counter their move. The manipulator may ask for additional concessions from you in order to continue working with you.
8. This is a common sales and negotiation tactic, where the manipulator puts pressure on you to make a decision before you’re ready. By applying tension and control onto you, it is hoped that you will “crack” and give in to the aggressor’s demands.
9. Some manipulators like to make critical remarks, often disguised as humor or sarcasm, to make you seem inferior and less secure. Examples can include any variety of comments ranging from your appearance, to your older model smart phone, to your background and credentials, to the fact that you walked in two minutes late and out of breath. By making you look bad, and getting you to feel bad, the aggressor hopes to impose psychological superiority over you.
10. Distinct from the previous behavior where negative humor is used as a cover, here the manipulator outright picks on you. By constantly marginalizing, ridiculing, and dismissing you, she or he keeps you off-balance and maintains her superiority. The aggressor deliberately fosters the impression that there’s always something wrong with you, and that no matter how hard you try, you are inadequate and will never be good enough. Significantly, the manipulator focuses on the negative without providing genuine and constructive solutions, or offering meaningful ways to help.
11. By deliberately not responding to your reasonable calls, text messages, emails, or other inquiries, the manipulator presumes power by making you wait, and intends to place doubt and uncertainty in your mind. The silent treatment is a head game where silence is used as a form of leverage.
12. Pretending ignorance is the classic “playing dumb” tactic. By pretending, she or he doesn’t understand what you want, or what you want her to do. The manipulation/passive aggressive person makes you take on what is her responsibility, and gets you to break a sweat. Some children use this tactic in order to delay, stall, and manipulate adults into doing for them what they don’t want to do. Some grownups use this tactic as well when they have something to hide, or obligation they wish to avoid.
13. Guilt baiting and unreasonable blaming is used, targeting the recipient’s soft spot, holding another responsible for the manipulator’s happiness and success, or unhappiness and failure.
14. Examples of victimhood include exaggerated or imagined personal issues, exaggerated or imagined health issues, dependency, co-dependency, deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy and favor, playing weak, powerless or pretending to be a martyr. The purpose of manipulative victimhood is often to exploit the recipient’s good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty, obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct, in order to extract unreasonable benefits and concessions.
Yes, we have a right to our feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. But it is also true that whatever we focus on grows. So, if we focus on how hurt we are and how justified we are at being hurt, poor us, then no healing is possible when we cling to the division that separates us. This is a decision we consciously make.
It is just as possible to reach out and consciously make the decision to heal broken relationships, no matter what has happened. Forgiveness is humanly possible, no matter what our insane, puffed-up ego says. The ego wants to be right, but our mental and psychological health needs the healing of the relationship(s) in order to be whole.
We can mature beyond past hurts. This is part of human character development. To remain in unforgiveness, one way or the other, is to remain in a child-like state mentally and psychologically. No one says we have to mature, but what a sad state of affairs it is for adults to remain as children.
We may all see ourselves in one role or another as we look back on our lives. Growth in character and psychological and emotional development is always possible. We can always choose to be better people.
Let us take this opportunity of the Christmas Season, one of new hope, new love, new forgiveness of our shortcomings, to reach out to one another, and heal what is broken.
Really listening to another person for an extended period of time can be rare, like finding a treasure. We all want to be heard. We all want to be listened to. We all have something to say. We all have something we want to share. We all want to talk, talk, talk.
How many times do we find ourselves truly listening to someone, then they say something that triggers a response thought from us. We bide our time until we can say our part, but at that point, we have stopped listening. We find ourselves “treading water” until the conversation stops so we can jump in with our two cents.
We are listening with an answer running. That is not listening.
Some of us are better listeners than others. Maybe we are attention deficit, or hyperactive, or both, no matter what our age is. Sometimes others gently or not so gently, let us know of this bad habit.
But like any habit, good or bad, habits can be changed. We simply need to become aware of what we are doing. Once someone lets us know we are not listening, that can become the moment we remind ourselves to become the observer of ourselves. Watch what we do the next time in conversation, so that we can do a better job of listening.
It takes 21 days to change a habit. After 21 days of consciously being aware and actively working at not interrupting, for example, it becomes easier to stop the offending trait you are in the process of correcting. I did not say “trying” to correct. The word “trying” leaves room for escape, for example, at least you “tried.” It is actually possible to change any habit, no matter how life long it may have been a problem for you. Changing your diet, when you wake in the morning, when you go to sleep, or when you decide to stop interruptng people when they are speaking, is possible.
Two things happen when we earnestly listen. First, the person we are listening to feels heard, acknowledged and appreciated. Second, we get a better understanding of what the other person is trying to share with us.
This all seems like common sense. However, if the conversation gets heated, or we have a completely different opinion other than the one that is being expressed, then all bets are off with our listening skills.
How are we with political, religious, or relationship discussions?
We know what our weak spots are.
It is always better to work things out in person whenever possible. On the telephone, others cannot see our expressions. The written word can come across very harsh without hearing the inflection of voice and the look in someone’s eyes.
Life is too short to not communicate with others. Keep trying. Never give up. As we grow and change, so do others. If relationships have fallen by the wayside, we can renew them simply by the art of listening.
Really listening to another person for an extended period of time can be rare, like finding a treasure. We all want to be heard. We all want to be listened to. We all have something to say. We all have something we want to share. We all want to talk, talk, talk.
How many times do we find ourselves truly listening to someone, then they say something that triggers a response thought from us. We bide our time until we can say our part, but at that point, we have stopped listening. We find ourselves “treading water verbally” until the conversation stops so we can jump in with our two cents.
This is called listening with an answer running. This is not listening.
Some of us are better listeners than others. Maybe we are attention deficit, or hyperactive, or both, no matter what our age is. Sometimes others gently or not so gently, let us know of this bad habit.
Like any habit, good or bad, habits can be changed. We simply need to become aware of what we are doing. Once someone lets us know we are not listening, that can become the moment we remind ourselves to become the observer of ourselves. Watch what we do the next time in conversation, so that we can do a better job of listening.
Two things happen when we earnestly listen. First, the person we are listening to feels heard, acknowledged and appreciated. Second, we get a better understanding of what the other person is trying to share with us.
This all seems like common sense. However, if the conversation gets heated, or we have a completely different opinion other than the one that is being expressed, then all bets are off with our listening skills.
How are we with political, religious, or relationship discussions? We know where our weak spots and strong opinions are.
Organized programs such as Marriage Encounter suggest rules of communication to follow, such as, each person takes a set amount of time, for example 30 minutes, to separate and write down thoughts and feelings, not judgements. One rule is to never begin a sentence with the word “You.” What most often follows the word “You” is usually a judgement. Writing down your or my feelings is not offensive. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. After the 30 minutes is up, the couple comes together and exchanges notebooks for each other to read, then discuss. This can be a great help for people who can get lost in communication, or have a difficult time expressing themselves, or expressing themselves without being interrupted. Interrupting is another no-no. So, for non-argument sake, if one person asks a question, the other person is to answer the question, without being interrupted. That is how it is supposed to work.
It is always better to work things out in person whenever possible. On the telephone, others cannot see our expressions. The written word can come across very harsh without hearing the inflection of voice and the look in someone’s eyes, which really tell the whole story.
Life is too short to not communicate with others. Keep trying. Never give up. As we grow and change, so do others. If relationships have fallen by the wayside, we can renew them simply by the art of listening.
I will always treasure this Mother’s plaque.
This can be difficult if not impossible when someone in the family decides to stop speaking with a family member. All people have free will to live their own lives. Coercion and manipulation are not tools to use in these moments. Some family members who wish to be left alone will go so far as to threaten other family members if they get involved, that they too will be cut off from communication if they try to fix the broken relationship. This is a mean manipulation tool the angry family member uses, for whatever “noble” reason they can come up with.
One “noble” reason people come up with to be left alone is, “I am cutting out all people in my life with ‘bad energy’.” This is a sad state of affairs, suggesting that people never charge. It shows lack of compassion. How many people seek compassion from others, but are not willing to show compassion themselves?
It is possible to heal relationships. Life is too short not to at least try. There is always hope, faith and love.
Most of us know when we are being manipulated by others using the all familiar tactics of fear, obligation and guilt (aka FOG). But at other times, we can be entangled in the web of other people’s preconceived control-freak game before we are consciously aware it is taking place. This is when others will set up or spin situations to their benefit, much to the infringement of our own free will and immediate knowledge. This is bullying. This is abuse.
1. What is the tell tale sign this is happening to us?
2. How do we make it stop?
3. How do we get control of our life back without threats by others?
If you are being bullied, tell someone. Seek counseling.
If you are being abused, tell someone. Seek counseling.
Has anyone ever said to you, “You need to do this, that or the other thing, or else I won’t speak to you anymore,’ or, ‘If you speak to that person, I will never talk to you again,’ or, ‘Stop it, or else I won’t love you, speak to you, or have you in my life anymore.’?” If so, AND YOU GO ALONG WITH IT, you have been or are being manipulated.
Sadly, this is even used as a weapon in divorces. If you go along with the manipulator’s whims, you will only be able to speak with or associate with only the people manipulators say can be in your life, or any other conditions they wish to control. Sometimes the manipulation abuser uses other threats, but there is always a threat involving the relationship you and the abuser share. It’s a control-freak game.
Manipulation and guilt are forms of psychological and emotional abuse. Once it is recognized by the victim, health only returns to the person who has been bullied by manipulation tactics when the situation is addressed. It requires a one-on-one communication with the manipulator, no middle man or referee. Once anyone has stepped between the manipulator and the person being manipulated, no healing can take place until or if the manipulator and the person being manipulated address the situation personally.
Once the manipulation abuser becomes aware that they themselves were often first manipulated by this bullying technique, their mental state can only become healthy when they recognize how manipulation first restricted them, and fully acknowledge that fact. It is quite an eye opener.
At first it is a hard pill to swallow because manipulation abusers want to justify in their past actions. It hurts when the manipulator first comes to the realization that they themselves were first victims of the bullying, manipulating game by those they loved, or included in their lives through work, social and all other human interaction circles.
Families, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, and other family relations, work relations, and all other human interactions have been split up by these hurtful words lasting a lifetime. Sometimes it is over a one-way situation, leaving one person in the two-step manipulation dance of avoidance totally in the dark. For non-family manipulation and bullying situations, we simply walk away. But when it comes to family, it is good to know that these situations can heal if both sides care to work on it.
Manipulating in order to get ones way is a childish act, something two-years-old children discover to be very effective. In the maturing process, sometimes we forget to be better people.
Once someone has been the victim earlier in their life in the manipulation game, they have also learned how to be manipulators themselves, continuing the control-freak downward spiral. If they are smart, and many are, and recognize that they do not want to pass on the terrible bullying and manipulation tendencies to continue the victimization cycle, they stop, seek restitution to the relationship, opening the door to forgiveness. This takes inner fortitude. It can be difficult, but it is not impossible.
The victimization cycle can be broken. People can emotionally and psychologically grow up. But it requires brutal honesty with ones self. It also requires a forgiving heart, not just for those we have victimized, but also for the manipulator her/himself. We can be the world’s worst critics of ourselves. We need to learn how to forgive ourselves so we can then forgive those we have hurt by our own thoughts, words and actions. Healing is possible.
Sometimes it is harder for those of us who were or still are victims to forgive their emotional and psychological manipulation and bullying transgressors. But this also can happen, even if the manipulation abuser and bully has deceased. It is the forgiving intention and action that heals the heart.
Most often these situations brew over time. It is less rare that they just pop up over night. It happens in families. It happens in work, social, religious, educational, financial, governments and all human interaction circles. Manipulation caused by intentional fear is at the root of the guilt and obligation we feel.
Sometimes the manipulator succeeds in twisting the truth so much that we are led to assume that we are the ones who are at fault and need to get the blame for the broken relationship. At other times innocent characters get slandered when truth twisting gets neatly spun into a web of convenient lies, as if manipulating and bullying aren’t devious enough.
This is part of the intended victimization process. But once light dawns and we see things clearly for what is actually taking place, we can take a deep breath and begin to do what we can to heal the situation when such opportunities arise. If the possibility for healing does not present itself, WE DO NOT STAY IN THE VICTIM ROLE. We do what we can and move on and live our lives peacefully with faith, hope and love. Those are the only answers.
If emotional and psychological healing is what we want for both sides, then we should first pray. Prayer cannot be underrated, and is the only thing that can work when all else fails.
Healing involves a decision. To move past unbelievable hurt in broken relationships, we need to be ready for reconciliation when it becomes possible and desired, if ever it happens, even when we think this opportunity might never present itself.
This post is addressing emotional abuse, not physical abuse, which include other guidelines and counsel.
It is never too late to mend a broken relationship while people are still alive.
Preston Ni, a professor, presenter, private coach and author of Communication Success With Four Personality Types and How To Communicate Effectively And Handle Difficult People, authored the article in Psychology Today entitled, 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. His 14 signs of psychological and emotional manipulation are listed below.
Relationships can be confusing. To help clarify what we are going through and to decide the best way to proceed to a healthier state, it is good to look at the 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. It will help to recognize manipulative signs in order to put a stop to them, either by us being the manipulator or by us being the abused victim of the manipulator.
“Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim’s expense.
“It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda,” Ni says.
Ni lists 14 tell-tail signs to watch out for:
1. A manipulative individual may insist on you meeting and interacting in a physical space where he or she can exercise more dominance and control. This can be the manipulator’s office, home, car, or other spaces where he feels ownership and familiarity (and where you lack them).
2. Many sales people do this when they prospect you. By asking you general and probing questions, they establish a baseline about your thinking and behavior, from which they can then evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. This type of questioning with hidden agenda can also occur at the workplace or in personal relationships.
3. Manipulation of facts is another sign to watch out for. Examples of this include: lying, excuse making, being two faced, blaming the victim for causing their own victimization, deformation of the truth, strategic disclosure or withholding of key information, exaggeration, understatement, and have a one-sided bias of issue.
4. Some individuals enjoy “intellectual bullying” by presuming to be the expert and most knowledgeable in certain areas. They take advantage of you by imposing alleged facts, statistics, and other data you may know little about. This can happen in sales and financial situations, in professional discussions and negotiations, as well as in social and relational arguments. By presuming expert power over you, the manipulator hopes to push through her or his agenda more convincingly. Some people use this technique for no other reason than to feel a sense of intellectual superiority.
5. Certain people use bureaucracy – paperwork, procedures, laws and by-laws, committees, and other roadblocks to maintain their position and power, while making your life more difficult. This technique can also be used to delay fact finding and truth seeking, hide flaws and weaknesses, and evade scrutiny.
6. Some individuals raise their voice during discussions as a form of aggressive manipulation. The assumption may be that if they project their voice loudly enough, or display negative emotions, you’ll submit to their coercion and give them what they want. The aggressive voice is frequently combined with strong body language such as standing or excited gestures to increase impact.
7. Some people use negative surprises to put you off balance and gain a psychological advantage. This can range from low balling in a negotiation situation, to a sudden profession that she or he will not be able to come through and deliver in some way. Typically, the unexpected negative information comes without warning, so you have little time to prepare and counter their move. The manipulator may ask for additional concessions from you in order to continue working with you.
8. This is a common sales and negotiation tactic, where the manipulator puts pressure on you to make a decision before you’re ready. By applying tension and control onto you, it is hoped that you will “crack” and give in to the aggressor’s demands.
9. Some manipulators like to make critical remarks, often disguised as humor or sarcasm, to make you seem inferior and less secure. Examples can include any variety of comments ranging from your appearance, to your older model smart phone, to your background and credentials, to the fact that you walked in two minutes late and out of breath. By making you look bad, and getting you to feel bad, the aggressor hopes to impose psychological superiority over you.
10. Distinct from the previous behavior where negative humor is used as a cover, here the manipulator outright picks on you. By constantly marginalizing, ridiculing, and dismissing you, she or he keeps you off-balance and maintains her superiority. The aggressor deliberately fosters the impression that there’s always something wrong with you, and that no matter how hard you try, you are inadequate and will never be good enough. Significantly, the manipulator focuses on the negative without providing genuine and constructive solutions, or offering meaningful ways to help.
11. By deliberately not responding to your reasonable calls, text messages, emails, or other inquiries, the manipulator presumes power by making you wait, and intends to place doubt and uncertainty in your mind. The silent treatment is a head game where silence is used as a form of leverage.
12. Pretending ignorance is the classic “playing dumb” tactic. By pretending, she or he doesn’t understand what you want, or what you want her to do. The manipulation/passive aggressive person makes you take on what is her responsibility, and gets you to break a sweat. Some children use this tactic in order to delay, stall, and manipulate adults into doing for them what they don’t want to do. Some grownups use this tactic as well when they have something to hide, or obligation they wish to avoid.
13. Guilt baiting and unreasonable blaming is used, targeting the recipient’s soft spot, holding another responsible for the manipulator’s happiness and success, or unhappiness and failure.
14. Examples of victimhood include exaggerated or imagined personal issues, exaggerated or imagined health issues, dependency, co-dependency, deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy and favor, playing weak, powerless or pretending to be a martyr. The purpose of manipulative victimhood is often to exploit the recipient’s good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty, obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct, in order to extract unreasonable benefits and concessions.
Yes, we have a right to our feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. But it is also true that whatever we focus on grows. So, if we focus on how hurt we are and how justified we are at being hurt, poor us, then no healing is possible when we cling to the division that separates us. This is a decision we consciously make.
It is just as possible to reach out and consciously make the decision to heal broken relationships, no matter what has happened. Forgiveness is humanly possible, no matter what our insane, puffed-up ego says. The ego wants to be right, but our mental and psychological health needs the healing of the relationship(s) in order to be whole.
We can mature beyond past hurts. This is part of human character development. To remain in unforgiveness, one way or the other, is to remain in a child-like state mentally and psychologically. No one says we have to mature, but what a sad state of affairs it is for adults to remain as children.
We may all see ourselves in one role or another as we look back on our lives. Growth in character and psychological and emotional development is always possible. We can always choose to be better people.
Let us take this opportunity of the Christmas Season, one of new hope, new love, new forgiveness of our shortcomings, to reach out to one another, and heal what is broken.
Whether we are discussing the differences in people regarding race, color, ethnicity, creed, financial status or gender, we must realize that on this planet, there is only one race, the human race.
Sometimes we try to hide our prejudices behind other reasons, to justify the positions we take politically, socially, environmentally, or any other way we human beings use to suppress the voice of others. We are more alike than any difference we profess.
The root cause of prejudice is fear, not hatred. While certain groups may be extremely angry about an issue, the underlying cause of anger is fear. Fear is often coupled with greed. This is really the poverty mentality, which says, I need more than you; if I have it you cannot have it; or, there is not enough to go around. This is also the power mentality, if I have more than you; you have to do what I say; and/or follow my laws, even though I do not have to follow my laws.
What is the paradigm you wish to follow? Are you a follower or a leader? Do you stand up for yourself? Do you stand up for yourself in the midst of fearful, greedy and/or powerful people? Do you stand up for truth?
Think of how you respond to someone expressing a different viewpoint, or addressing uncomfortable issues such as immigration, homelessness and hungry children in our country and the world. We only have this one world to life on at this moment.
If we are truly serious about fixing our world, before we can build any bridges to repair the damage we have caused, we must eradicate the root cause of fear. War, murder and killing are not communication skills.
There is more to do, more to share, more to learn, more to understand, more to forgive, more to let go. It is not about being right, or wrong, or making others right or wrong. There is no way to make up for the loss of life through war, violence, bloodshed, or retaliation. Two wrongs do not make a right. We need to build bridges to and for all people everywhere.
Despite all our unique differences, we all share this one beautiful planet. We are all born in the same way, we all breathe air while we are here, and we all die. We are all having a shared human experience. Our life is in our blood, without which we would cease to be. No one soul is better than any other soul on this planet, no matter what our pride (insane ego) might be telling us. Jesus came to earth to show us first hand how to live on this planet and how to care for one another.
It is also good to remember the words of Jesus as he taught us the Golden Rule, to treat others the way we want to be treated. He did not say to treat only those who are like-minded to us, or to treat only those who are our family and friends, or those who fit into our socioeconomic circles, or who have the same skin color, or nationality, or age, or gender, or religion, or non religion as we do (whatever color, or nationality, or age, or gender, or religion, or non religion as we do that is).
Really listening to another person for an extended period of time can be rare, like finding a treasure. We all want to be heard. We all want to be listened to. We all have something to say. We all have something we want to share. We all want to talk, talk, talk.
How many times do we find ourselves truly listening to someone, then they say something that triggers a response thought from us. We bide our time until we can say our part, but at that point, we have stopped listening. We find ourselves “treading water” until the conversation stops so we can jump in with our two cents.
We are listening with an answer running. This is not listening.
Some of us are better listeners than others. Maybe we are attention deficit, or hyperactive, or both, no matter what our age is. Sometimes others gently or not so gently, let us know of this bad habit.
But like any habit, good or bad, habits can be changed. We simply need to become aware of what we are doing. Once someone lets us know we are not listening, that can become the moment we remind ourselves to become the observer of ourselves. Watch what we do the next time in conversation, so that we can do a better job of listening.
Two things happen when we earnestly listen. First, the person we are listening to feels heard, acknowledged and appreciated. Second, we get a better understanding of what the other person is trying to share with us.
This all seems like common sense. However, if the conversation gets heated, or we have a completely different opinion other than the one that is being expressed, then all bets are off with our listening skills.
How are we with political, religious, or relationship discussions? We know what our hot spots are. Still, if communication is what we are after, both listening and speaking with others, then we need to practice listening better without interrupting. Take notes of things that come to mind if it is a long discussion so that you do not forget, as opposed to interrupting so you do not forget. Then when the other person is done, you have your chance. Of course this works better when both people agree to practice better listening skills.
It is always better to work things out in person whenever possible. On the telephone, others cannot see our expressions. The written word can come across very harsh without hearing the inflection of voice and the look in someone’s eyes.
Life is too short to not communicate with others. Keep trying. Never give up. As we grow and change, so do others. If relationships have fallen by the wayside, we can renew them simply by the art of listening. How many relationships have come to an end because one of the two has decided that because of the situation 20 years ago, that the person they are shunning is still the same, and always will be. A line is drawn in the sand never to be crossed. This happens with mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, and friends who have given up on each other. No matter how many years go by, never give up on each other. The winds of time blow away those lines drawn in the sand, giving all involved a clean slate with which to work.
The art of listening is truly a gift and a joy. There is more to each other, all people, whether we love them or not, than we first realize. Relationships are living, breathing realities that stay alive with each heartbeat of the people involved. Everyone in the relationship is diminished when communication and the art of listening stops.
There are times when fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) by others is the manipulation tactic used to strong arm an individual into breaking off communication and truly listening in a relationship. Most often this is a triangulation technique used by a third-party to separate mothers and daughters, co-workers at work, or any other scenario where the manipulator bullies the victim into submission. “If you talk to or associate with so-and-so, you won’t have a relationship with me.”
This is a second grade fault that we stop our children from doing. However, when adults feel like they are losing control, we revert to this second grade bullying tactic. Listening has stopped, and fear of the triangulation relationship survival has taken over, if it is allowed. When this tactic is used in any relationship, the manipulator will continue to manipulate, justifying his/her actions from then on, seeing that it worked. This tactic is also used in work situations. “You will do this or else …”
Now imagine if we improve our listening skills with our family and friends, and extend these skills out into the world in order than we be better vibrant listeners. What if we acknowledge the words of those we are listening to by repeating their words to make sure we got the full understanding? How much better we would be in human interaction, politically, socially, civically, and personally in all relationships.
There is much at stake in the world today. All societies are based upon the family. We are born into families. If we make the family stronger with the art of listening, our neighborhoods, our cities and states, and our countries will be able to communicate better.
We also become better listeners when we go to God in prayer, not only pouring out our hearts and concerns in our daily living, but when we practice becoming better listeners to God, Father of Jesus Christ, through meditation.
If we become better listeners, we can stop playing games of not understanding . We do this so as to get our own way without an uprising from those who are trying to pull the wool over the eyes of others. Politicians use this manipulation trick. It is hard to point fingers at others we see using this form of non-communication, when we see ourselves using it as well.
Playing dumb and pretending not to understand, is a manipulation technique. Once we recognize it, we can make it stop. We stop by not playing along in the childish, manipulating game. This manipulation stops being effective when we stop playing along.
It is possible for all of us to become better listeners. We only need to practice it to become better at it.
Most of us know when we are being manipulated by others using the all familiar tactics of fear, obligation and guilt. But at other times, we can be entangled in the web of other people’s preconceived control-freak game before we are consciously aware it is taking place. This is when others will set up or spin situations to their benefit, much to the infringement of our own free will and immediate knowledge. This is bullying. This is abuse.
1. What is the tell tale sign this is happening to us?
2. How do we make it stop?
3. How do we get control of our life back without threats by others?
If you are being bullied, tell someone. Seek counseling.
If you are being abused, tell someone. Seek counseling.
Has anyone ever said to you, “You need to do this, that or the other thing, or else I won’t speak to you anymore,’ or, ‘If you speak to that person, I will never talk to you again,’ or, ‘Stop it, or else I won’t love you, speak to you, or have you in my life anymore.’?” If so, AND YOU GO ALONG WITH IT, you have been or are being manipulated.
Sadly, this is even used as a weapon in divorces. If you go along with the manipulators whims, you will only be able to speak with or associate with only the people manipulators say can be in your life, or any other conditions they wish to control. Sometimes the manipulation abuser uses other threats, but there is always a threat involving the relationship you and the abuser share. It’s a control-freak game.
Manipulation and guilt are forms of psychological and emotional abuse. Once it is recognized by the victim, health only returns to the person who has been bullied by manipulation tactics when the situation is addressed. It requires a one-on-one communication with the manipulator, no middle man or referee. Once anyone has stepped between the manipulator and the person being manipulated, no healing can take place until or if the manipulator and the person being manipulated address the situation personally.
Once the manipulation abuser becomes aware that they themselves were often first manipulated by this bullying technique, their mental state can only become healthy when they recognize how manipulation first restricted them, and fully acknowledge that fact. It is quite an eye opener.
At first it is a hard pill to swallow because manipulation abusers want to justify in their past actions. It hurts when the manipulator first comes to the realization that they themselves were first victims of the bullying, manipulating game by those they loved, or included in their lives through work, social and all other human interaction circles.
Families, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, and other family relations, work relations, and all other human interactions have been split up by these hurtful words lasting a lifetime. Sometimes it is over a one-way situation, leaving one person in the two-step manipulation dance of avoidance totally in the dark. For non-family manipulation and bullying situations, we simply walk away. But when it comes to family, it is good to know that these situations can heal if both sides care to work on it.
Manipulating in order to get ones way is a childish act, something two-years olds discover to be very effective. In the maturing process, sometimes we forget to be better people.
Once someone has been the victim earlier in their life in the manipulation game, they have also learned how to be manipulators themselves, continuing the control-freak downward spiral. If they are smart, and many are, and recognize that they do not want to pass on the terrible bullying and manipulation tendencies to continue the victimization cycle, they stop, seek restitution to the relationship, opening the door to forgiveness. This takes inner fortitude. It is difficult, not impossible.
The victimization cycle can be broken. People can emotionally and psychologically grow up. But it requires brutal honesty with ones self. It also requires a forgiving heart, not just for those we have victimized, but also for the manipulator her/himself. We can be the world’s worst critics of ourselves. We need to learn how to forgive ourselves so we can then forgive those we have hurt by our own thoughts, words and actions.Healing is possible.
Sometimes it is harder for those of us who were or still are victims to forgive their emotional and psychological manipulation and bullying transgressors. But this also can happen, even if the manipulation abuser and bully has deceased. It is the forgiving intention and action that heals the heart.
Most often these situations brew over time. It is less rare that they just pop up over night. It happens in families. It happens in work, social, religious, educational, financial, governments and all human interaction circles. Manipulation caused by intentional fear is at the root of the guilt and obligation we feel.
Sometimes the manipulator succeeds in twisting the truth so much that we are led to assume that we are the ones who are at fault and need to get the blame for the broken relationship. At other times innocent characters get slandered when truth twisting gets neatly spun into a web of convenient lies, as if manipulating and bullying aren’t devious enough.
This is part of the intended victimization process. But once light dawns and we see things clearly for what is actually taking place, we can take a deep breath and begin to do what we can to heal the situation when such opportunities arise. If the possibility for healing does not present itself, WE DO NOT STAY IN THE VICTIM ROLE. We do what we can and move on and live our lives peacefully with faith, hope and love. Those are the only answers.
If emotional and psychological healing is what we want for both sides, then we should first pray. Prayer cannot be underrated, and may be the only thing that can work when all else fails.
Healing involves a decision. To move past unbelievable hurt in broken relationships, we need to be ready for reconciliation when it becomes possible and desired, if ever it happens, even when we think this opportunity might never present itself.
This post is addressing emotional abuse, not physical abuse, which include other guidelines and counsel.
It is never too late to mend a broken relationship while people are still alive.
Preston Ni, a professor, presenter, private coach and author of Communication Success With Four Personality Types and How To Communicate Effectively And Handle Difficult People, authored the article in Psychology Today entitled, 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. His 14 signs of psychological and emotional manipulation are listed below.
Relationships can be confusing. To help clarifying what we are going through and to decide the best way to proceed to a healthier state, it is good to look at the 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. It will help to recognize manipulative signs in order to put a stop to them, either by us being the manipulator or by us being the abused victim of the manipulator.
“Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim’s expense.
“It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda,” Ni says.
Ni lists 14 tell-tail signs to watch out for:
1. A manipulative individual may insist on you meeting and interacting in a physical space where he or she can exercise more dominance and control. This can be the manipulator’s office, home, car, or other spaces where he feels ownership and familiarity (and where you lack them).
2. Many sales people do this when they prospect you. By asking you general and probing questions, they establish a baseline about your thinking and behavior, from which they can then evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. This type of questioning with hidden agenda can also occur at the workplace or in personal relationships.
3. Manipulation of facts is another sign to watch out for. Examples of this include: lying, excuse making, being two faced, blaming the victim for causing their own victimization, deformation of the truth, strategic disclosure or withholding of key information, exaggeration, understatement, and have a one-sided bias of issue.
4. Some individuals enjoy “intellectual bullying” by presuming to be the expert and most knowledgeable in certain areas. They take advantage of you by imposing alleged facts, statistics, and other data you may know little about. This can happen in sales and financial situations, in professional discussions and negotiations, as well as in social and relational arguments. By presuming expert power over you, the manipulator hopes to push through her or his agenda more convincingly. Some people use this technique for no other reason than to feel a sense of intellectual superiority.
5. Certain people use bureaucracy – paperwork, procedures, laws and by-laws, committees, and other roadblocks to maintain their position and power, while making your life more difficult. This technique can also be used to delay fact finding and truth seeking, hide flaws and weaknesses, and evade scrutiny.
6. Some individuals raise their voice during discussions as a form of aggressive manipulation. The assumption may be that if they project their voice loudly enough, or display negative emotions, you’ll submit to their coercion and give them what they want. The aggressive voice is frequently combined with strong body language such as standing or excited gestures to increase impact.
7. Some people use negative surprises to put you off balance and gain a psychological advantage. This can range from low balling in a negotiation situation, to a sudden profession that she or he will not be able to come through and deliver in some way. Typically, the unexpected negative information comes without warning, so you have little time to prepare and counter their move. The manipulator may ask for additional concessions from you in order to continue working with you.
8. This is a common sales and negotiation tactic, where the manipulator puts pressure on you to make a decision before you’re ready. By applying tension and control onto you, it is hoped that you will “crack” and give in to the aggressor’s demands.
9. Some manipulators like to make critical remarks, often disguised as humor or sarcasm, to make you seem inferior and less secure. Examples can include any variety of comments ranging from your appearance, to your older model smart phone, to your background and credentials, to the fact that you walked in two minutes late and out of breath. By making you look bad, and getting you to feel bad, the aggressor hopes to impose psychological superiority over you.
10. Distinct from the previous behavior where negative humor is used as a cover, here the manipulator outright picks on you. By constantly marginalizing, ridiculing, and dismissing you, she or he keeps you off-balance and maintains her superiority. The aggressor deliberately fosters the impression that there’s always something wrong with you, and that no matter how hard you try, you are inadequate and will never be good enough. Significantly, the manipulator focuses on the negative without providing genuine and constructive solutions, or offering meaningful ways to help.
11. By deliberately not responding to your reasonable calls, text messages, emails, or other inquiries, the manipulator presumes power by making you wait, and intends to place doubt and uncertainty in your mind. The silent treatment is a head game where silence is used as a form of leverage.
12. Pretending ignorance is the classic “playing dumb” tactic. By pretending, she or he doesn’t understand what you want, or what you want her to do. The manipulation/passive aggressive person makes you take on what is her responsibility, and gets you to break a sweat. Some children use this tactic in order to delay, stall, and manipulate adults into doing for them what they don’t want to do. Some grownups use this tactic as well when they have something to hide, or obligation they wish to avoid.
13. Guilt baiting and unreasonable blaming is used, targeting the recipient’s soft spot, holding another responsible for the manipulator’s happiness and success, or unhappiness and failure.
14. Examples of victimhood include exaggerated or imagined personal issues, exaggerated or imagined health issues, dependency, co-dependency, deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy and favor, playing weak, powerless or pretending to be a martyr. The purpose of manipulative victimhood is often to exploit the recipient’s good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty, obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct, in order to extract unreasonable benefits and concessions.
We may all see ourselves in one role or another as we look back on our lives. Growth in character and psychological and emotional development is always possible. We can always choose to be better people.
To heal the problem outside of us, we need to heal the inside of us.
Why are we shooting each other? Have shootings become a communication skill? What is stopping us from listening, truly listening to the plight of others? Yes, it is a complex problem, but it is not impossible to solve. The question is, do we really want to solve this problem?
We have the tools to fix this. These tools come from within us. These tools do not cost us anything, except for maybe our pride and our ego. It is critical to let go of the crutch of our justifications, and the iron fist of failure.
It is possible to mend our country, and the world, if only we want to. This is the start of the solution to mend any division between individual people, or groups of people.
Follow the energy. Some people interpret this as, follow the money, or follow the power. But money and power are merely forms of energy. A snowball rolling down a snow laden hill will continue to get bigger until the momentum of energy changes. You and I are the beginning of this change, in understanding the problems we face in our cities.
It begins with you and me, no matter who you are, you matter. No matter how old or young you are, you matter. Black lives matter. Blue lives matter. And yes, all lives matter. But in understanding that all lives matter, we come to realize that white lives have always mattered. Black lives have not always mattered. No matter if you are police, your lives matter. No matter if you are innocent citizens, your lives matter.
We can be a positive and healing change. How? It begins with our thoughts. Before healing ideas can take hold outside of us, healing ideas must take root inside of us. Before our words can come up with creative and positive solutions, we must heal our thoughts of separation, from each other and from God. Before we can heal our actions, we must heal our words. Why is this important? It is important because you matter.
It is not the other guy’s fault. It is not just a problem for adults. It is not just a problem for our country’s youth. It is not just a problem for black people. It is not just a problem for white people, or any other group of human beings we can target and isolate as different from ourselves, no matter what our race, color, creed, gender, weight, height, hair color, eye color, or any other difference is.
In a world damaged by tunnel vision, warped attitudes, crippled thinking, outrageous actions, fears, hate-based actions, and the need to be right whether we are right or not; it is a time to examine ourselves closely to see if our thoughts, words and actions are manifesting the integrity necessary to listen, in order to heal the God-given right to life of all people, especially those most oppressed among us.
We are losing the ability to talk with one another when we are with each other. This break down in communication occurs not only with strangers we come in contact with each day, but also in closer relationships between people.
It is sad to see couples out on a date with each other these days. Instead of gazing into each others eyes, their eyes are downward toward their electronic gizmo.
There is an addiction taking place right before our eyes. Many reasons are given for there incessant “need” to be plugged in. Not all of these reasons are bad. It is not a matter of the importance that technology affords us. The point is, we are losing our social graces.
Part of the reason for people young and not so young struggling with this anti-social behavior is lack of vocal communication skills. They seem to be adept at texting, but holding single task conversations, where they are free from the plug in of any electronic device for diversion, is minimal.
Have you also noticed the lightning speed at which plugged in people now speak? A sonic jet would have to slow down to catch up to them.
Stress? What stress?
Gone are the days of getting to know the person next to you by simple conversation. There has never been more people on the planet to choose from for mates these days, yet there have never been more dating services trying to put people together.
Next time you go to the shopping mall, try smiling and saying “Hi” to the young people you walk by. Most often you get a look back which might as well be say, “You talking to me?” that is if they hear you at all, since ear phones are now plugged into all vacant ears.
Where is the silence?
Where is the time for creative imagination?
Where is the time for meditation and contemplation?
Where is the time to get to meet people and hold conversations?
Social media is no substitute for face to face communication. Not even Skype is the same, though it helps when people are miles apart. But this article is about honest to goodness, heart to heart, voice to voice, and eye to eye human conversation.
It is almost as if we need practice conversation sessions in order to get back to the old art of human interaction. What we have now is technology interaction. But no matter how many benefits technology has, it lacks heart. The programmed voices of our cars and mobile phones can never take the place of real people to people skills.
We have tried to fill the void of natural human to human communication by developing speaking to our technological gadgets, either by orders of command, or by questions. The point here is not how fast one can get a correct answer. The point is to practice and improve on our communication skills in conversations with those we know and those we don’t know.
“I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots,” said Albert Einstein.
On one hand, there are bad people out there who do bad things. But what we have now are a generation of people who are afraid of everything, including their own shadow. How many people on the bus, train, plane do we speak with? We could have past by hundreds of people on any given day, and literally have spoken to no one.
It can be a very lonely experience for our young people, and ourselves, to limit human conversation to short and incomplete sentences.
The art of conversation, person to person, heart to heart can help us all to be better people, and less self centered.
Really listening to another person for an extended period is rare, like finding a treasure.We all want to be heard. We all want to be listened to. We all have something to say. We all have something we want to share. We all want to talk, talk, talk.
How many times do we find ourselves truly listening to someone, then they say something that triggers a response thought from us. We bide our time until we can say our part, but at that point, we have stopped listening. We find ourselves “treading water” until the conversation stops so we can jump in with our two cents.
We are listening with an answer running. That is not listening.
Some of us are better listeners than others. Maybe we are attention deficit, or hyperactive, or both, no matter what our age is. Sometimes others gently or not so gently, let us know of this bad habit.
But like any habit, good or bad, habits can be changed. We simply need to become aware of what we are doing. Once someone lets us know we are not listening, that can become the moment we remind ourselves to become the observer of ourselves. Watch what we do the next time in conversation, so that we can do a better job of listening.
Two things happen when we earnestly listen. First, the person we are listening to feels heard, acknowledged and appreciated. Second, we get a better understanding of what the other person is trying to share with us.
This all seems like common sense. However, if the conversation gets heated, or we have a completely different opinion other than the one that is being expressed, then all bets are off with our listening skills.
How are we with political, religious, or relationship discussions? We know what our weak spots are.
It is always better to work things out in person when possible. On the telephone, others cannot see our expressions. The written word can come across very harsh without hearing the inflection of voice and the look in someone’s eyes.
Life is too short to not communicate with others. Keep trying. Never give up. As we grow and change, so do others. If relationships have fallen by the wayside, we can renew them simply by the art of listening.
We are losing the ability to talk with one another when we are with each other. This break down in communication occurs not only with strangers we come in contact with each day, but also in closer relationships between people.
It is sad to see couples out on a date with each other these days. Instead of gazing into each others eyes, their eyes are downward toward their electronic gizmo.
There is an addiction taking place right before our eyes. Many reasons are given for there incessant “need” to be plugged in. Not all of these reasons are bad. It is not a matter of the importance that technology affords us. The point is, we are losing our social graces.
Part of the reason for people young and not so young struggling with this anti-social behavior is lack of vocal communication skills. They seem to be adept at texting, but holding single task conversations, where they are free from the plug in of any electronic device for diversion, is minimal.
Have you also noticed the lightning speed at which plugged in people now speak? A sonic jet would have to slow down to catch up to them.
Stress? What stress?
Gone are the days of getting to know the person next to you by simple conversation. There has never been more people on the planet to choose from for mates these days, yet there have never been more dating services trying to put people together.
Next time you go to the shopping mall, try smiling and saying “Hi” to the young people you walk by. Most often you get a look back which might as well be say, “You talking to me?” that is if they hear you at all, since ear phones are now plugged into all vacant ears.
Where is the silence?
Where is the time for creative imagination?
Where is the time for meditation and contemplation?
Where is the time to get to meet people and hold conversations?
Social media is no substitute for face to face communication. Not even Skype is the same, though it helps when people are miles apart. But this article is about honest to goodness, heart to heart, voice to voice, and eye to eye human conversation.
It is almost as if we need practice conversation sessions in order to get back to the old art of human interaction. What we have now is technology interaction. But no matter how many benefits technology has, it lacks heart. The programmed voices of our cars and mobile phones can never take the place of real people to people skills.
We have tried to fill the void of natural human to human communication by developing speaking to our technological gadgets, either by orders of command, or by questions. The point here is not how fast one can get a correct answer. The point is to practice and improve on our communication skills in conversations with those we know and those we don’t know.
“I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots,” said Albert Einstein.
On one hand, there are bad people out there who do bad things. But what we have now are a generation of people who are afraid of everything, including their own shadow. How many people on the bus, train, plane do we speak with? We could have past by hundreds of people on any given day, and literally have spoken to no one.
It can be a very lonely experience for our young people, and ourselves, to limit human conversation to short and incomplete sentences.
The art of conversation, person to person, heart to heart can help us all to be better people, and less self centered.
![wealthhighachievers_nithyananda-1024x682[1]](https://lindahourihan.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/wealthhighachievers_nithyananda-1024x6821.jpg)
The root cause of prejudice is fear, not hatred. While certain groups may be extremely angry about an issue, the underlying cause of anger is fear. Fear is often coupled with greed. This is really the poverty mentality, which says, I need more than you; if I have it you cannot have it; or, there is not enough to go around. This is also the power mentality, if I have more than you; you have to do what I say; and/or follow my laws, even though I do not have to follow my laws.
the damage we have caused, we must eradicate the root cause of fear. War, murder and killing are not communication skills.
others the way we want to be treated. He did not say to treat only those who are like-minded to us, or to treat only those who are our family and friends, or those who fit into our socioeconomic circles, or who have the same skin color, or nationality, or age, or gender, or religion, or non religion as we do (whatever color, or nationality, or age, or gender, or religion, or non religion as we do that is).![not-listening[1]](https://lindahourihan.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/not-listening1.jpg)
We are listening with an answer running. This is not listening.![manipulation[1]](https://lindahourihan.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/manipulation1.png)
tactic used to strong arm an individual into breaking off communication and truly listening in a relationship. Most often this is a triangulation technique used by a third-party to separate mothers and daughters, co-workers at work, or any other scenario where the manipulator bullies the victim into submission. “If you talk to or associate with so-and-so, you won’t have a relationship with me.”
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