What The Ghosting Ghost Doesn’t Know

While ghosting may be especially hurtful to those on the receiving end, causing feelings of ostracism and rejection, ghosting is a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse, a type of silent treatment or stonewalling  behavior, and emotional cruelty.

According to Psychology Today, when asked why people ghost, the article said, “People who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort and they aren’t thinking about how it makes the other person feel. The lack of mutual social connections for people who met online also means there are fewer social consequences of dropping out of another’s life. The more it happens, either to themselves or their friends, the more people become desensitized to it, and the more likely they are to do it to someone else.

• “Ghosting is one of the cruelest forms of torture dating can serve up.”

This post is not addressing harmful relationships that include violence, extortion, or situations where your life is in jeopardy.

Intentional brokenness and heartless depravity are part of the ghosting craze feeding the frenzy of hurt feelings these days, even in immediate families. It happens in human relationships when people decide to give up on each other void of empathy and ordinary care. The ghosts decides to remove themselves without explanation, from what they predetermine to be the end of the relationship. The only problem with this action is that they also harm themselves in the process. It is a show of lack of character development and positive self-esteem at the root of such ghosts.

Many articles have been written about how bad ghosting makes the victim, the ghostee feel, but this post centers around the dysfunction the ghost brings on to his and/or herself.

When this happens in families, most ghosts do not know ahead of time that they have chosen a life of their own making that includes replacing normalcy with the constant attention from then on to shun, justify, and blow things out of proportion, in order to continue on in part of their life they have cut off. They have to constantly protect their online presence, if they have one at all. Everything is cloaked with altered names and usually threats to other family members that if they go against the ill wishes of the ghost, then they too will be ghosted. It is a constant being in the flight or flight mode in their mental and emotional state, always being on guard to not cross paths or be detected.

This is not normal. Just because it has become more common place these days, does not mean it is becoming more normal. It is a dysfunctional, mental crutch. It is a lack of character development, lack of honesty, and lack of integrity. In psychological terms, those getting between the ghost and the ghostee are triangulating.

Those triangulating stop any possible healing in the relationship between the ghost and the ghostee, often saying they simply do not want to get in the middle of the situation. But once threatened by the ghost, they are already in the middle. Often the reason for that is that the person who is triangulating, as mentioned above, has been threatened to be cut out of the life of the ghost if they do not go along with this disastrous manipulation and obligation technique, usurping the free will of the person caught in the middle.

Fear is the motivating force.

If the person the ghost is ghosting shows up unexpectedly at a social event, they will flee in order to keep up the pretense that their ghostee is not really there. The fragile glass house of the ghost might crumble into shards of denial.

Ghosts will tell you that they do not want to be around what they perceive as the negative energy anymore, as if that will work without any harm to themselves. The problem with this self-delusion is two-fold. First, they are planting seeds of dysfunction. Second, from the moment they act by ghosting others, they must then live in a pretend-reality that the other does not exist, when in actual reality, they do.

Ghosting is different from communicating, person-to-person, especially a family member, you no longer want in your life, coming to a mutual understanding of the end of the relationship. The key here is communication. Sometimes relationships do not work out. That is life. The healthy way to handle the end of a relationship is for mutual communication, however difficult.

There are valid reasons for walking away from relationships that are not working. It is the way mature adults decide to handle relationships, either with empathy or cruelty that makes the difference in ghosting.

Can we ever go back and fix the relationships we broke by our walking away through lack of empathy?

Ghosts tend to have tunnel vision, choosing to only see or remember the parts of their lives that they keep a constant drum beat of the offences, arguments, or one major eruption by which they felt slighted or injured. They keep its beat as close as the beat of their heart, hardening their hearts with every dysfunctional memory.

Some ghosts do not want to heal. Their pride and ego means more to them than the relationship. There is a mantra learned by every energy worker, holistic healer and everyone in the healthcare field. It is, “Are you ready, willing and able to heal?”

It is up to the ghost whether or not they want to heal. No one will heal if they do not want to. It is not the perceived offender who is stopping their healing. It’s themselves.

As in all relationships, more than one person is involved. It requires both parties being ready, willing and able to heal. If both parties want to heal, healing can take place.

There are some situations where the ugly head of manipulation, obligation, and guilt (aka FOG) are used as motivating forces. These outside forces can be applied by others in the circle of the ghost. Ghosts may be under the manipulation of others, that if they do not conform, they themselves will be ostracized from the other relationship, club, or social circle.

All manipulators have painfully learned the lessons of guilt and manipulation by being manipulated themselves. It can become their survival technique, and how to get others to do their bidding.

For example, has anyone ever said to you, “If you talk with so-and-so, I will never talk to you again?” Also, manipulators often force others to manipulate, such as statements like, “I do not want you ever to talk about so-and-so to me. If you do, I will never talk to you again either.”

How do you like being manipulated? Does that work for you?

The dawning of social media spawned a growing social awkwardness. In some cases, with the breaking down of communication, it became easier not dealing with people face-to-face. Why talk when you can text? Why say whole words when you can shorten to a few letters? Why have the need to communicate at all?

While social media and dating apps became popular in the 2000s, the more common reason for the malaise of ghosting is lack of empathy. We see lack of empathy all around us, in relationships, social settings, and even politics.

There is an inherent ambiguity in ghosting—the person being ghosted does not know whether they are being rejected for something they or somebody else did, whether the person doing it is ashamed or does not know how to break up, or is scared of hurting the other’s feelings.

In the dating scenario, the ghost may simply not want to date the victim anymore, or may have started dating someone else while keeping the ghostee as a reserve option in case a relationship does not work out with said other date, as well as they can be facing serious problems in their lives. It may become impossible to tell which it is, making it stressful and painful.

While “ghosting” refers to “disappearing from a special someone’s life mysteriously and without explanation,” numerous similar behaviors have been identified, that include various degrees of continued connection with a target. For example, “Caspering” is a “friendly alternative to ghosting. Instead of ignoring someone, you’re honest about how you feel, and let them down gently before disappearing from their lives.” A possible response to ghosting has been suggested with “ghostbusting”: forcing the “ghoster” to reply.

Then there is the sentimental and positive, but also ghost-related in origin, Marleying, which is “when an ex gets in touch with you at Christmas out of nowhere”. “Cloaking” is another related behavior that occurs when an online match blocks you on all apps while standing you up for a date. The term was coined by Mashable journalist Rachel Thompson after she was stood up for a date by a Hinge match and blocked on all apps.

Whatever newfangled terms we come up with, nothing replaces honesty and integrity in relationships as much as face-to-face communication, especially in the making-up phase.

Reconciliation is always possible as long as both people are still living. Life is too short to continue ghosting. It takes self-correction, forgiveness of self and others, and the magnanimity of spirit to be empathetic rather than cruel.

God Bless Everyone Everywhere

Healing Broken Relationships at Christmas ~ 14 Signs of Psychological and Emotional Manipulation ~ Psychology Today

The wind forms all kinds of interesting textures in the sand dunes of Maspalomas in the Gran Canaria, Canary Islands, Spain.

I happen to be a mother whose first child, a daughter, stopped speaking with her over 20 years ago. Obviously I do not have all the answers on solving this situation. But I have studied healing relationships for most of my adult life as a holistic health counselor, and have helped many others on their journeys to healthy relationships after falling into some common pitfalls. An open heart and willingness to heal is the missing ingredient in all cases.

I have found the key to healing begins with both parties, in this case mothers and daughters, wanting to heal. Here are some of the pitfalls to watch out for that will sink any relationship like quicksand if they are not addressed.

Most of us know when we are being manipulated by others using the all familiar tactics of fear, obligation and guilt (aka FOG). But at other times, we can be entangled in the web of other people’s preconceived control-freak game before we are consciously aware it is taking place. This is when others will set up or spin situations to their benefit, much to the infringement of our own free will and immediate knowledge. This is bullying. This is abuse.

1. What is the tell tale sign this is happening to us?
2. How do we make it stop?
3. How do we get control of our life back without threats by others?

If you are being bullied, tell someone. Seek counseling.
If you are being abused, tell someone. Seek counseling.

Has anyone ever said to you, “You need to do this, that or the other thing, or else I won’t speak to you anymore,’ or, ‘If you speak to that person, I will never talk to you again,’ or, ‘Stop it, or else I won’t love you, speak to you, or have you in my life anymore.’?” If so, AND YOU GO ALONG WITH IT, you have been or are being manipulated.

Sadly, this is even used as a weapon in divorces. If you go along with the manipulator’s whims, you will only be able to speak with or associate with only the people manipulators say can be in your life, or any other conditions they wish to control. Sometimes the manipulation abuser uses other threats, but there is always a threat involving the relationship you and the abuser share. It’s a control-freak game.

Manipulation and guilt are forms of psychological and emotional abuse. Once it is recognized by the victim, health only returns to the person who has been bullied by manipulation tactics when the situation is addressed. It requires a one-on-one communication with the manipulator, no middle man or referee. Once anyone has stepped between the manipulator and the person being manipulated, no healing can take place until or if the manipulator and the person being manipulated address the situation personally.

Once the manipulation abuser becomes aware that they themselves were often first manipulated by this bullying technique, their mental state can only become healthy when they recognize how manipulation first restricted them, and fully acknowledge that fact. It is quite an eye opener.

At first it is a hard pill to swallow because manipulation abusers want to justify in their past actions. It hurts when the manipulator first comes to the realization that they themselves were first victims of the bullying, manipulating game by those they loved, or included in their lives through work, social and all other human interaction circles.

Families, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, and other family relations, work relations, and all other human interactions have been split up by these hurtful words lasting a lifetime. Sometimes it is over a one-way situation, leaving one person in the two-step manipulation dance of avoidance totally in the dark. For non-family manipulation and bullying situations, we simply walk away. But when it comes to family, it is good to know that these situations can heal if both sides care to work on it.

Manipulating in order to get ones way is a childish act, something two-years-old children discover to be very effective. In the maturing process, sometimes we forget to be better people.

Once someone has been the victim earlier in their life in the manipulation game, they have also learned how to be manipulators themselves, continuing the control-freak downward spiral. If they are smart, and many are, and recognize that they do not want to pass on the terrible bullying and manipulation tendencies to continue the victimization cycle, they stop, seek restitution to the relationship, opening the door to forgiveness. This takes inner fortitude. It can be difficult, but it is not impossible.

The victimization cycle can be broken. People can emotionally and psychologically grow up. But it requires brutal honesty with ones self. It also requires a forgiving heart, not just for those we have victimized, but also for the manipulator her/himself. We can be the world’s worst critics of ourselves. We need to learn how to forgive ourselves so we can then forgive those we have hurt by our own thoughts, words and actions. Healing is possible.

Sometimes it is harder for those of us who were or still are victims to forgive their emotional and psychological manipulation and bullying transgressors. But this also can happen, even if the manipulation abuser and bully has deceased. It is the forgiving intention and action that heals the heart.

Most often these situations brew over time. It is less rare that they just pop up over night. It happens in families. It happens in work, social, religious, educational, financial, governments and all human interaction circles. Manipulation caused by intentional fear is at the root of the guilt and obligation we feel.

Sometimes the manipulator succeeds in twisting the truth so much that we are led to assume that we are the ones who are at fault and need to get the blame for the broken relationship. At other times innocent characters get slandered when truth twisting gets neatly spun into a web of convenient lies, as if manipulating and bullying aren’t devious enough.

This is part of the intended victimization process. But once light dawns and we see things clearly for what is actually taking place, we can take a deep breath and begin to do what we can to heal the situation when such opportunities arise. If the possibility for healing does not present itself, WE DO NOT STAY IN THE VICTIM ROLE. We do what we can and move on and live our lives peacefully with faith, hope and love. Those are the only answers.

If emotional and psychological healing is what we want for both sides, then we should first pray. Prayer cannot be underrated, and is the only thing that can work when all else fails.

Healing involves a decision. To move past unbelievable hurt in broken relationships, we need to be ready for reconciliation when it becomes possible and desired, if ever it happens, even when we think this opportunity might never present itself.

This post is addressing emotional abuse, not physical abuse, which include other guidelines and counsel.

It is never too late to mend a broken relationship while people are still alive.

Preston Ni, a professor, presenter, private coach and author of Communication Success With Four Personality Types and How To Communicate Effectively And Handle Difficult People, authored the article in Psychology Today entitled, 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. His 14 signs of psychological and emotional manipulation are listed below.

Relationships can be confusing. To help clarify what we are going through and to decide the best way to proceed to a healthier state, it is good to look at the 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. It will help to recognize manipulative signs in order to put a stop to them, either by us being the manipulator or by us being the abused victim of the manipulator.

“Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim’s expense.

“It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda,” Ni says.

Ni lists 14 tell-tail signs to watch out for:

1. A manipulative individual may insist on you meeting and interacting in a physical space where he or she can exercise more dominance and control. This can be the manipulator’s office, home, car, or other spaces where he feels ownership and familiarity (and where you lack them).

2. Many sales people do this when they prospect you. By asking you general and probing questions, they establish a baseline about your thinking and behavior, from which they can then evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. This type of questioning with hidden agenda can also occur at the workplace or in personal relationships.

3. Manipulation of facts is another sign to watch out for. Examples of this include: lying, excuse making, being two faced, blaming the victim for causing their own victimization, deformation of the truth, strategic disclosure or withholding of key information, exaggeration, understatement, and have a one-sided bias of issue.

4. Some individuals enjoy “intellectual bullying” by presuming to be the expert and most knowledgeable in certain areas. They take advantage of you by imposing alleged facts, statistics, and other data you may know little about. This can happen in sales and financial situations, in professional discussions and negotiations, as well as in social and relational arguments. By presuming expert power over you, the manipulator hopes to push through her or his agenda more convincingly. Some people use this technique for no other reason than to feel a sense of intellectual superiority.

5. Certain people use bureaucracy – paperwork, procedures, laws and by-laws, committees, and other roadblocks to maintain their position and power, while making your life more difficult. This technique can also be used to delay fact finding and truth seeking, hide flaws and weaknesses, and evade scrutiny.

6. Some individuals raise their voice during discussions as a form of aggressive manipulation. The assumption may be that if they project their voice loudly enough, or display negative emotions, you’ll submit to their coercion and give them what they want. The aggressive voice is frequently combined with strong body language such as standing or excited gestures to increase impact.

7. Some people use negative surprises to put you off balance and gain a psychological advantage. This can range from low balling in a negotiation situation, to a sudden profession that she or he will not be able to come through and deliver in some way. Typically, the unexpected negative information comes without warning, so you have little time to prepare and counter their move. The manipulator may ask for additional concessions from you in order to continue working with you.

8. This is a common sales and negotiation tactic, where the manipulator puts pressure on you to make a decision before you’re ready. By applying tension and control onto you, it is hoped that you will “crack” and give in to the aggressor’s demands.

9. Some manipulators like to make critical remarks, often disguised as humor or sarcasm, to make you seem inferior and less secure. Examples can include any variety of comments ranging from your appearance, to your older model smart phone, to your background and credentials, to the fact that you walked in two minutes late and out of breath. By making you look bad, and getting you to feel bad, the aggressor hopes to impose psychological superiority over you.

10. Distinct from the previous behavior where negative humor is used as a cover, here the manipulator outright picks on you. By constantly marginalizing, ridiculing, and dismissing you, she or he keeps you off-balance and maintains her superiority. The aggressor deliberately fosters the impression that there’s always something wrong with you, and that no matter how hard you try, you are inadequate and will never be good enough. Significantly, the manipulator focuses on the negative without providing genuine and constructive solutions, or offering meaningful ways to help.

11. By deliberately not responding to your reasonable calls, text messages, emails, or other inquiries, the manipulator presumes power by making you wait, and intends to place doubt and uncertainty in your mind. The silent treatment is a head game where silence is used as a form of leverage.

12. Pretending ignorance is the classic “playing dumb” tactic. By pretending, she or he doesn’t understand what you want, or what you want her to do. The manipulation/passive aggressive person makes you take on what is her responsibility, and gets you to break a sweat. Some children use this tactic in order to delay, stall, and manipulate adults into doing for them what they don’t want to do. Some grownups use this tactic as well when they have something to hide, or obligation they wish to avoid.

13. Guilt baiting and unreasonable blaming is used, targeting the recipient’s soft spot, holding another responsible for the manipulator’s happiness and success, or unhappiness and failure.

14. Examples of victimhood include exaggerated or imagined personal issues, exaggerated or imagined health issues, dependency, co-dependency, deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy and favor, playing weak, powerless or pretending to be a martyr. The purpose of manipulative victimhood is often to exploit the recipient’s good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty, obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct, in order to extract unreasonable benefits and concessions.

Yes, we have a right to our feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. But it is also true that whatever we focus on grows. So, if we focus on how hurt we are and how justified we are at being hurt, poor us, then no healing is possible when we cling to the division that separates us. This is a decision we consciously make.

It is just as possible to reach out and consciously make the decision to heal broken relationships, no matter what has happened. Forgiveness is humanly possible, no matter what our insane, puffed-up ego says. The ego wants to be right, but our mental and psychological health needs the healing of the relationship(s) in order to be whole.

We can mature beyond past hurts. This is part of human character development. To remain in unforgiveness, one way or the other, is to remain in a child-like state mentally and psychologically. No one says we have to mature, but what a sad state of affairs it is for adults to remain as children.

We may all see ourselves in one role or another as we look back on our lives. Growth in character and psychological and emotional development is always possible. We can always choose to be better people.

Let us take this opportunity of the Christmas Season, one of new hope, new love, new forgiveness of our shortcomings, to reach out to one another, and heal what is broken.

God Bless Everyone Everywhere

Christmas Is A Wonderful Time To Heal Broken Relationships ~ Manipulation ~ FOG ~ Control Freak Games

Most of us know when we are being manipulated by others using the all familiar tactics of fear, obligation and guilt (aka FOG). But at other times, we can be entangled in the web of other people’s preconceived control-freak game before we are consciously aware it is taking place. This is when others will set up or spin situations to their benefit, much to the infringement of our own free will and immediate knowledge. This is bullying. This is abuse.

1. What is the tell tale sign this is happening to us?
2. How do we make it stop?
3. How do we get control of our life back without threats by others?

If you are being bullied, tell someone. Seek counseling.
If you are being abused, tell someone. Seek counseling.

Has anyone ever said to you, “You need to do this, that or the other thing, or else I won’t speak to you anymore,’ or, ‘If you speak to that person, I will never talk to you again,’ or, ‘Stop it, or else I won’t love you, speak to you, or have you in my life anymore.’?” If so, AND YOU GO ALONG WITH IT, you have been or are being manipulated.

Sadly, this is even used as a weapon in divorces. If you go along with the manipulator’s whims, you will only be able to speak with or associate with only the people manipulators say can be in your life, or any other conditions they wish to control. Sometimes the manipulation abuser uses other threats, but there is always a threat involving the relationship you and the abuser share. It’s a control-freak game.

Manipulation and guilt are forms of psychological and emotional abuse. Once it is recognized by the victim, health only returns to the person who has been bullied by manipulation tactics when the situation is addressed. It requires a one-on-one communication with the manipulator, no middle man or referee. Once anyone has stepped between the manipulator and the person being manipulated, no healing can take place until or if the manipulator and the person being manipulated address the situation personally.

Once the manipulation abuser becomes aware that they themselves were often first manipulated by this bullying technique, their mental state can only become healthy when they recognize how manipulation first restricted them, and fully acknowledge that fact. It is quite an eye opener.

At first it is a hard pill to swallow because manipulation abusers want to justify in their past actions. It hurts when the manipulator first comes to the realization that they themselves were first victims of the bullying, manipulating game by those they loved, or included in their lives through work, social and all other human interaction circles.

Families, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, and other family relations, work relations, and all other human interactions have been split up by these hurtful words lasting a lifetime. Sometimes it is over a one-way situation, leaving one person in the two-step manipulation dance of avoidance totally in the dark. For non-family manipulation and bullying situations, we simply walk away. But when it comes to family, it is good to know that these situations can heal if both sides care to work on it.

Manipulating in order to get ones way is a childish act, something two-years-old children discover to be very effective. In the maturing process, sometimes we forget to be better people.

Once someone has been the victim earlier in their life in the manipulation game, they have also learned how to be manipulators themselves, continuing the control-freak downward spiral. If they are smart, and many are, and recognize that they do not want to pass on the terrible bullying and manipulation tendencies to continue the victimization cycle, they stop, seek restitution to the relationship, opening the door to forgiveness. This takes inner fortitude. It can be difficult, but it is not impossible.

The victimization cycle can be broken. People can emotionally and psychologically grow up. But it requires brutal honesty with ones self. It also requires a forgiving heart, not just for those we have victimized, but also for the manipulator her/himself. We can be the world’s worst critics of ourselves. We need to learn how to forgive ourselves so we can then forgive those we have hurt by our own thoughts, words and actions. Healing is possible.

Sometimes it is harder for those of us who were or still are victims to forgive their emotional and psychological manipulation and bullying transgressors. But this also can happen, even if the manipulation abuser and bully has deceased. It is the forgiving intention and action that heals the heart.

Most often these situations brew over time. It is less rare that they just pop up over night. It happens in families. It happens in work, social, religious, educational, financial, governments and all human interaction circles. Manipulation caused by intentional fear is at the root of the guilt and obligation we feel.

Sometimes the manipulator succeeds in twisting the truth so much that we are led to assume that we are the ones who are at fault and need to get the blame for the broken relationship. At other times innocent characters get slandered when truth twisting gets neatly spun into a web of convenient lies, as if manipulating and bullying aren’t devious enough.

This is part of the intended victimization process. But once light dawns and we see things clearly for what is actually taking place, we can take a deep breath and begin to do what we can to heal the situation when such opportunities arise. If the possibility for healing does not present itself, WE DO NOT STAY IN THE VICTIM ROLE. We do what we can and move on and live our lives peacefully with faith, hope and love. Those are the only answers.

If emotional and psychological healing is what we want for both sides, then we should first pray. Prayer cannot be underrated, and is the only thing that can work when all else fails.

Healing involves a decision. To move past unbelievable hurt in broken relationships, we need to be ready for reconciliation when it becomes possible and desired, if ever it happens, even when we think this opportunity might never present itself.

This post is addressing emotional abuse, not physical abuse, which include other guidelines and counsel.

It is never too late to mend a broken relationship while people are still alive.

Preston Ni, a professor, presenter, private coach and author of Communication Success With Four Personality Types and How To Communicate Effectively And Handle Difficult People, authored the article in Psychology Today entitled, 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. His 14 signs of psychological and emotional manipulation are listed below.

Relationships can be confusing. To help clarify what we are going through and to decide the best way to proceed to a healthier state, it is good to look at the 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. It will help to recognize manipulative signs in order to put a stop to them, either by us being the manipulator or by us being the abused victim of the manipulator.

“Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim’s expense.

“It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda,” Ni says.

Ni lists 14 tell-tail signs to watch out for:

1. A manipulative individual may insist on you meeting and interacting in a physical space where he or she can exercise more dominance and control. This can be the manipulator’s office, home, car, or other spaces where he feels ownership and familiarity (and where you lack them).

2. Many sales people do this when they prospect you. By asking you general and probing questions, they establish a baseline about your thinking and behavior, from which they can then evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. This type of questioning with hidden agenda can also occur at the workplace or in personal relationships.

3. Manipulation of facts is another sign to watch out for. Examples of this include: lying, excuse making, being two faced, blaming the victim for causing their own victimization, deformation of the truth, strategic disclosure or withholding of key information, exaggeration, understatement, and have a one-sided bias of issue.

4. Some individuals enjoy “intellectual bullying” by presuming to be the expert and most knowledgeable in certain areas. They take advantage of you by imposing alleged facts, statistics, and other data you may know little about. This can happen in sales and financial situations, in professional discussions and negotiations, as well as in social and relational arguments. By presuming expert power over you, the manipulator hopes to push through her or his agenda more convincingly. Some people use this technique for no other reason than to feel a sense of intellectual superiority.

5. Certain people use bureaucracy – paperwork, procedures, laws and by-laws, committees, and other roadblocks to maintain their position and power, while making your life more difficult. This technique can also be used to delay fact finding and truth seeking, hide flaws and weaknesses, and evade scrutiny.

6. Some individuals raise their voice during discussions as a form of aggressive manipulation. The assumption may be that if they project their voice loudly enough, or display negative emotions, you’ll submit to their coercion and give them what they want. The aggressive voice is frequently combined with strong body language such as standing or excited gestures to increase impact.

7. Some people use negative surprises to put you off balance and gain a psychological advantage. This can range from low balling in a negotiation situation, to a sudden profession that she or he will not be able to come through and deliver in some way. Typically, the unexpected negative information comes without warning, so you have little time to prepare and counter their move. The manipulator may ask for additional concessions from you in order to continue working with you.

8. This is a common sales and negotiation tactic, where the manipulator puts pressure on you to make a decision before you’re ready. By applying tension and control onto you, it is hoped that you will “crack” and give in to the aggressor’s demands.

9. Some manipulators like to make critical remarks, often disguised as humor or sarcasm, to make you seem inferior and less secure. Examples can include any variety of comments ranging from your appearance, to your older model smart phone, to your background and credentials, to the fact that you walked in two minutes late and out of breath. By making you look bad, and getting you to feel bad, the aggressor hopes to impose psychological superiority over you.

10. Distinct from the previous behavior where negative humor is used as a cover, here the manipulator outright picks on you. By constantly marginalizing, ridiculing, and dismissing you, she or he keeps you off-balance and maintains her superiority. The aggressor deliberately fosters the impression that there’s always something wrong with you, and that no matter how hard you try, you are inadequate and will never be good enough. Significantly, the manipulator focuses on the negative without providing genuine and constructive solutions, or offering meaningful ways to help.

11. By deliberately not responding to your reasonable calls, text messages, emails, or other inquiries, the manipulator presumes power by making you wait, and intends to place doubt and uncertainty in your mind. The silent treatment is a head game where silence is used as a form of leverage.

12. Pretending ignorance is the classic “playing dumb” tactic. By pretending, she or he doesn’t understand what you want, or what you want her to do. The manipulation/passive aggressive person makes you take on what is her responsibility, and gets you to break a sweat. Some children use this tactic in order to delay, stall, and manipulate adults into doing for them what they don’t want to do. Some grownups use this tactic as well when they have something to hide, or obligation they wish to avoid.

13. Guilt baiting and unreasonable blaming is used, targeting the recipient’s soft spot, holding another responsible for the manipulator’s happiness and success, or unhappiness and failure.

14. Examples of victimhood include exaggerated or imagined personal issues, exaggerated or imagined health issues, dependency, co-dependency, deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy and favor, playing weak, powerless or pretending to be a martyr. The purpose of manipulative victimhood is often to exploit the recipient’s good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty, obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct, in order to extract unreasonable benefits and concessions.

Yes, we have a right to our feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. But it is also true that whatever we focus on grows. So, if we focus on how hurt we are and how justified we are at being hurt, poor us, then no healing is possible when we cling to the division that separates us. This is a decision we consciously make.

It is just as possible to reach out and consciously make the decision to heal broken relationships, no matter what has happened. Forgiveness is humanly possible, no matter what our insane, puffed-up ego says. The ego wants to be right, but our mental and psychological health needs the healing of the relationship(s) in order to be whole.

We can mature beyond past hurts. This is part of human character development. To remain in unforgiveness, one way or the other, is to remain in a child-like state mentally and psychologically. No one says we have to mature, but what a sad state of affairs it is for adults to remain as children.

We may all see ourselves in one role or another as we look back on our lives. Growth in character and psychological and emotional development is always possible. We can always choose to be better people.

Let us take this opportunity of the Christmas Season, one of new hope, new love, new forgiveness of our shortcomings, to reach out to one another, and heal what is broken.

God Bless

Christmas Is A Wonderful Time To Heal Broken Relationships ~ Manipulation ~ Control-Freak Games

Most of us know when we are being manipulated by others using the all familiar tactics of fear, obligation and guilt. But at other times, we can be entangled in the web of other people’s preconceived control-freak game before we are consciously aware it is taking place. This is when others will set up or spin situations to their benefit, much to the infringement of our own free will and immediate knowledge. This is bullying. This is abuse.

1. What is the tell tale sign this is happening to us?

2. How do we make it stop?

3. How do we get control of our life back without threats by others?

If you are being bullied, tell someone. Seek counseling.

If you are being abused, tell someone. Seek counseling.

Has anyone ever said to you, “You need to do this, that or the other thing, or else I won’t speak to you anymore,’ or, ‘If you speak to that person, I will never talk to you again,’ or, ‘Stop it, or else I won’t love you, speak to you, or have you in my life anymore.’?” If so, AND YOU GO ALONG WITH IT, you have been or are being manipulated.

Sadly, this is even used as a weapon in divorces. If you go along with the manipulator’s whims, you will only be able to speak with or associate with only the people manipulators say can be in your life, or any other conditions they wish to control. Sometimes the manipulation abuser uses other threats, but there is always a threat involving the relationship you and the abuser share. It’s a control-freak game.

Manipulation and guilt are forms of psychological and emotional abuse. Once it is recognized by the victim, health only returns to the person who has been bullied by manipulation tactics when the situation is addressed. It requires a one-on-one communication with the manipulator, no middle man or referee. Once anyone has stepped between the manipulator and the person being manipulated, no healing can take place until or if the manipulator and the person being manipulated address the situation personally.

Once the manipulation abuser becomes aware that they themselves were often first manipulated by this bullying technique, their mental state can only become healthy when they recognize how manipulation first restricted them, and fully acknowledge that fact. It is quite an eye opener.

At first it is a hard pill to swallow because manipulation abusers want to justify in their past actions. It hurts when the manipulator first comes to the realization that they themselves were first victims of the bullying, manipulating game by those they loved, or included in their lives through work, social and all other human interaction circles.

Families, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, and other family relations, work relations, and all other human interactions have been split up by these hurtful words lasting a lifetime. Sometimes it is over a one-way situation, leaving one person in the two-step manipulation dance of avoidance totally in the dark. For non-family manipulation and bullying situations, we simply walk away. But when it comes to family, it is good to know that these situations can heal if both sides care to work on it.

Manipulating in order to get ones way is a childish act, something two-years-old children discover to be very effective. In the maturing process, sometimes we forget to be better people.

Once someone has been the victim earlier in their life in the manipulation game, they have also learned how to be manipulators themselves, continuing the control-freak downward spiral. If they are smart, and many are, and recognize that they do not want to pass on the terrible bullying and manipulation tendencies to continue the victimization cycle, they stop, seek restitution to the relationship, opening the door to forgiveness. This takes inner fortitude. It is difficult, but not impossible.

The victimization cycle can be broken. People can emotionally and psychologically grow up. But it requires brutal honesty with ones self. It also requires a forgiving heart, not just for those we have victimized, but also for the manipulator her/himself. We can be the world’s worst critics of ourselves. We need to learn how to forgive ourselves so we can then forgive those we have hurt by our own thoughts, words and actions. Healing is possible.

Sometimes it is harder for those of us who were or still are victims to forgive their emotional and psychological manipulation and bullying transgressors. But this also can happen, even if the manipulation abuser and bully has deceased. It is the forgiving intention and action that heals the heart.

Most often these situations brew over time. It is less rare that they just pop up over night. It happens in families. It happens in work, social, religious, educational, financial, governments and all human interaction circles. Manipulation caused by intentional fear is at the root of the guilt and obligation we feel.

Sometimes the manipulator succeeds in twisting the truth so much that we are led to assume that we are the ones who are at fault and need to get the blame for the broken relationship. At other times innocent characters get slandered when truth twisting gets neatly spun into a web of convenient lies, as if manipulating and bullying aren’t devious enough.

This is part of the intended victimization process. But once light dawns and we see things clearly for what is actually taking place, we can take a deep breath and begin to do what we can to heal the situation when such opportunities arise. If the possibility for healing does not present itself, WE DO NOT STAY IN THE VICTIM ROLE. We do what we can and move on and live our lives peacefully with faith, hope and love. Those are the only answers.

If emotional and psychological healing is what we want for both sides, then we should first pray. Prayer cannot be underrated, and may be the only thing that can work when all else fails.

Healing involves a decision. To move past unbelievable hurt in broken relationships, we need to be ready for reconciliation when it becomes possible and desired, if ever it happens, even when we think this opportunity might never present itself.

This post is addressing emotional abuse, not physical abuse, which include other guidelines and counsel.

It is never too late to mend a broken relationship while people are still alive.

Preston Ni, a professor, presenter, private coach and author of Communication Success With Four Personality Types and How To Communicate Effectively And Handle Difficult People, authored the article in Psychology Today entitled, 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. His 14 signs of psychological and emotional manipulation are listed below.

Relationships can be confusing. To help clarify what we are going through and to decide the best way to proceed to a healthier state, it is good to look at the 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. It will help to recognize manipulative signs in order to put a stop to them, either by us being the manipulator or by us being the abused victim of the manipulator.

“Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim’s expense.

“It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda,” Ni says.

Ni lists 14 tell-tail signs to watch out for:

1. A manipulative individual may insist on you meeting and interacting in a physical space where he or she can exercise more dominance and control. This can be the manipulator’s office, home, car, or other spaces where he feels ownership and familiarity (and where you lack them).

2. Many sales people do this when they prospect you. By asking you general and probing questions, they establish a baseline about your thinking and behavior, from which they can then evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. This type of questioning with hidden agenda can also occur at the workplace or in personal relationships.

3. Manipulation of facts is another sign to watch out for. Examples of this include: lying, excuse making, being two faced, blaming the victim for causing their own victimization, deformation of the truth, strategic disclosure or withholding of key information, exaggeration, understatement, and have a one-sided bias of issue.

4. Some individuals enjoy “intellectual bullying” by presuming to be the expert and most knowledgeable in certain areas. They take advantage of you by imposing alleged facts, statistics, and other data you may know little about. This can happen in sales and financial situations, in professional discussions and negotiations, as well as in social and relational arguments. By presuming expert power over you, the manipulator hopes to push through her or his agenda more convincingly. Some people use this technique for no other reason than to feel a sense of intellectual superiority.

5. Certain people use bureaucracy – paperwork, procedures, laws and by-laws, committees, and other roadblocks to maintain their position and power, while making your life more difficult. This technique can also be used to delay fact finding and truth seeking, hide flaws and weaknesses, and evade scrutiny.

6. Some individuals raise their voice during discussions as a form of aggressive manipulation. The assumption may be that if they project their voice loudly enough, or display negative emotions, you’ll submit to their coercion and give them what they want. The aggressive voice is frequently combined with strong body language such as standing or excited gestures to increase impact.

7. Some people use negative surprises to put you off balance and gain a psychological advantage. This can range from low balling in a negotiation situation, to a sudden profession that she or he will not be able to come through and deliver in some way. Typically, the unexpected negative information comes without warning, so you have little time to prepare and counter their move. The manipulator may ask for additional concessions from you in order to continue working with you.

8. This is a common sales and negotiation tactic, where the manipulator puts pressure on you to make a decision before you’re ready. By applying tension and control onto you, it is hoped that you will “crack” and give in to the aggressor’s demands.

9. Some manipulators like to make critical remarks, often disguised as humor or sarcasm, to make you seem inferior and less secure. Examples can include any variety of comments ranging from your appearance, to your older model smart phone, to your background and credentials, to the fact that you walked in two minutes late and out of breath. By making you look bad, and getting you to feel bad, the aggressor hopes to impose psychological superiority over you.

10. Distinct from the previous behavior where negative humor is used as a cover, here the manipulator outright picks on you. By constantly marginalizing, ridiculing, and dismissing you, she or he keeps you off-balance and maintains her superiority. The aggressor deliberately fosters the impression that there’s always something wrong with you, and that no matter how hard you try, you are inadequate and will never be good enough. Significantly, the manipulator focuses on the negative without providing genuine and constructive solutions, or offering meaningful ways to help.

11. By deliberately not responding to your reasonable calls, text messages, emails, or other inquiries, the manipulator presumes power by making you wait, and intends to place doubt and uncertainty in your mind. The silent treatment is a head game where silence is used as a form of leverage.

12. Pretending ignorance is the classic “playing dumb” tactic. By pretending, she or he doesn’t understand what you want, or what you want her to do. The manipulation/passive aggressive person makes you take on what is her responsibility, and gets you to break a sweat. Some children use this tactic in order to delay, stall, and manipulate adults into doing for them what they don’t want to do. Some grownups use this tactic as well when they have something to hide, or obligation they wish to avoid.

13. Guilt baiting and unreasonable blaming is used, targeting the recipient’s soft spot, holding another responsible for the manipulator’s happiness and success, or unhappiness and failure.

14. Examples of victimhood include exaggerated or imagined personal issues, exaggerated or imagined health issues, dependency, co-dependency, deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy and favor, playing weak, powerless or pretending to be a martyr. The purpose of manipulative victimhood is often to exploit the recipient’s good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty, obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct, in order to extract unreasonable benefits and concessions.

We may all see ourselves in one role or another as we look back on our lives. Growth in character and psychological and emotional development is always possible. We can always choose to be better people.

God Bless