Are You Safe In Your Relationships? How To Protect Yourself Against Emotional Blackmail, Bullying, Threats And Violence In Your Personal And Social Circles ~ Be Honest With Yourself


Rule #1:   MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE.        National Domestic Violence Hotline             800-799-7233

Rule #2:   MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE.       National Domestic Violence TTY Hotline     800-787-3224

Rule #3:   MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE.       Abuse Victim Hotline by state                         www.avhotline.org

Do you feel safe? Do you feel safe in all your relationships? Do feel safe in your home? Do you feel safe at your employment? Do you feel safe in your social circles, friendships, affiliations, clubs, including social media? Do you feel safe when you are alone?

Do you feel unsafe in some situations? Do you feel unsafe around certain people? Do you feel threatened or intimidated by anyone legally, physically, financially, morally, or even spiritually?

It is most important to feel safe in your own skin, safe in your own mind, and safe in your own soul.

Much has been written about promoting tolerance, getting along, defusing situations, and compromising for the greater good that can be experienced in this beautiful and amazing life.

But people who have more tender mental constitutions, and weaker willed individuals can be bullied beyond belief by strong personalities, by louder and more demonstrative characters, bowling over all attempts that might possibly arrive at a healed and more whole relationship. This even happens in political and religious circles and can suck tolerant unsuspecting individuals who get their freewill hijacked down into the sewer drain of manipulation.

School children are taught tolerance, but tolerance toward a bully must never be allowed by the victim, the teacher, the school, the employer, nor online, or the opposite lesson is learned, and the bully rewarded. While children and adults alike benefit from tolerance, no one benefits from allowing the bully to go free, emboldening them to attempt more ruthless self-serving feats. Equally unfair is punishing both the bully and the victim of bullying, as if it is all the same. This is the cowards way out and particularly rewarding to the bully.

Sometimes attempt at normalizing bullying goes too far, trying to apply tolerance and compromise to abusive and dysfunctional relationships, when running for the hills should be in order.

Be honest with yourself.

Your feelings and emotions are your accurate, internal measure of what you should do next. Emotional abuse feels bad, makes you nauseous, gives you anxiety attacks, with a generalized feeling of malaise, depression, and low energy. The intensity of your feelings and emotions is a signal that things need to change if you are going to re-gain your mental, physical, and spiritual health.

There is never any reason to tolerate physical, mental/emotional abuse, or bullying as a normal behavior. Physical, mental, emotional abuse and bullying is not a sign of a strong person. It is the sign a of very weak person who thinks he or she cannot get their way by any other means.

This seems like it is common sense, but it is not that easy to the person who is being physically abused, emotionally blackmailed, and threatened by lawsuits or any other kind of fear, obligation, guilt, and/or manipulation. The longer bullies bully their victims, the more debilitating fear cripples the victims. Domestic violence, violence in the classroom, violence in the workplace, or threats of violence online is never OK under any circumstance.

SILENCE IS AGREEMENT.

Freedom comes when you gather your courage and PEACEFULLY STAND UP. Stand up for yourself, speak out to someone you can trust. Do not remain silent. Silence is not golden. Silence is deadly, literally. Bullies do not go away. Bullies get stronger the longer they stay at it. The longer a bully stays a bully, the more brazen they get, and the more their bullying tactics escalate.

An important point to make here is to realize that people with destructive personality disorders most often look just the same as you and me. Mass murderers do not look like mass murderers. They look like regular people, for the most part. Abusive partners also dress in expensive clothing, can be financially successful, and have no tell-tale marks that make them stand out from no-abusive partners. They might even appear to have wide circles of “friends” around them, but the truth is, these are usually superficial trophies. Do not be intimated by any of this. This presentation of how bullies portray themselves is a facade. However, the vengeance the bully feels is very real, and must be dealt with, not ignored.

The question is how to stand up and deal with bullies, emotional blackmail, and threats of mental, emotional, and physical abuse. Again, go by how you feel. You need to get to a safe place on all levels: mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. If you feel unsafe addressing these problems yourself, seek immediate help from a counselor, police, fire personnel, or shelter. Do not wait. Your health and well-being depend on getting help not only for yourself, but also for the abuser.

Manipulating behaviors tend to show up ever so subtly in the earlier days of the relationship but can also manifest later in the relationship if stressors change. Pay attention. Pay attention to how you feel when certain things happen. You might even keep a journal of your feelings if you feel safe to do so.

The important thing to know is there is no tolerance for abusive behaviors. Verbal abuse can be even more detrimental to the health and well-being of children, spouses, and everyone living or working under the same roof.

Sometimes abusive behaviors manifest over time, after the relationship is well-established. The person being abused knows that even the abusing person has a good side from time to time, and at the good times, has earned their love. The person being abused wonders if they have done or said something to trigger the abuse. Most often the person receiving the abuse is told it is their fault that the abuser is abusing.

Know this is not true.

Everyone is in charge of their own feelings, emotions, and actions. There is no way you are ever in charge of the abuser’s feelings, emotions, or actions no matter what has happened.

You count.

You matter.

You are a gift from God.

You are beautiful, and I am so very glad you are here.

Namaste

Healing Broken Relationships at Christmas ~ 14 Signs of Psychological and Emotional Manipulation ~ Psychology Today


The wind forms all kinds of interesting textures in the sand dunes of Maspalomas in the Gran Canaria, Canary Islands, Spain.

I happen to be a mother whose first child, a daughter, stopped speaking with her over 20 years ago. Obviously I do not have all the answers on solving this situation. But I have studied healing relationships for most of my adult life as a holistic health counselor, and have helped many others on their journeys to healthy relationships after falling into some common pitfalls. An open heart and willingness to heal is the missing ingredient in all cases.

I have found the key to healing begins with both parties, in this case mothers and daughters, wanting to heal. Here are some of the pitfalls to watch out for that will sink any relationship like quicksand if they are not addressed.

Most of us know when we are being manipulated by others using the all familiar tactics of fear, obligation and guilt (aka FOG). But at other times, we can be entangled in the web of other people’s preconceived control-freak game before we are consciously aware it is taking place. This is when others will set up or spin situations to their benefit, much to the infringement of our own free will and immediate knowledge. This is bullying. This is abuse.

1. What is the tell tale sign this is happening to us?
2. How do we make it stop?
3. How do we get control of our life back without threats by others?

If you are being bullied, tell someone. Seek counseling.
If you are being abused, tell someone. Seek counseling.

Has anyone ever said to you, “You need to do this, that or the other thing, or else I won’t speak to you anymore,’ or, ‘If you speak to that person, I will never talk to you again,’ or, ‘Stop it, or else I won’t love you, speak to you, or have you in my life anymore.’?” If so, AND YOU GO ALONG WITH IT, you have been or are being manipulated.

Sadly, this is even used as a weapon in divorces. If you go along with the manipulator’s whims, you will only be able to speak with or associate with only the people manipulators say can be in your life, or any other conditions they wish to control. Sometimes the manipulation abuser uses other threats, but there is always a threat involving the relationship you and the abuser share. It’s a control-freak game.

Manipulation and guilt are forms of psychological and emotional abuse. Once it is recognized by the victim, health only returns to the person who has been bullied by manipulation tactics when the situation is addressed. It requires a one-on-one communication with the manipulator, no middle man or referee. Once anyone has stepped between the manipulator and the person being manipulated, no healing can take place until or if the manipulator and the person being manipulated address the situation personally.

Once the manipulation abuser becomes aware that they themselves were often first manipulated by this bullying technique, their mental state can only become healthy when they recognize how manipulation first restricted them, and fully acknowledge that fact. It is quite an eye opener.

At first it is a hard pill to swallow because manipulation abusers want to justify in their past actions. It hurts when the manipulator first comes to the realization that they themselves were first victims of the bullying, manipulating game by those they loved, or included in their lives through work, social and all other human interaction circles.

Families, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, and other family relations, work relations, and all other human interactions have been split up by these hurtful words lasting a lifetime. Sometimes it is over a one-way situation, leaving one person in the two-step manipulation dance of avoidance totally in the dark. For non-family manipulation and bullying situations, we simply walk away. But when it comes to family, it is good to know that these situations can heal if both sides care to work on it.

Manipulating in order to get ones way is a childish act, something two-years-old children discover to be very effective. In the maturing process, sometimes we forget to be better people.

Once someone has been the victim earlier in their life in the manipulation game, they have also learned how to be manipulators themselves, continuing the control-freak downward spiral. If they are smart, and many are, and recognize that they do not want to pass on the terrible bullying and manipulation tendencies to continue the victimization cycle, they stop, seek restitution to the relationship, opening the door to forgiveness. This takes inner fortitude. It can be difficult, but it is not impossible.

The victimization cycle can be broken. People can emotionally and psychologically grow up. But it requires brutal honesty with ones self. It also requires a forgiving heart, not just for those we have victimized, but also for the manipulator her/himself. We can be the world’s worst critics of ourselves. We need to learn how to forgive ourselves so we can then forgive those we have hurt by our own thoughts, words and actions. Healing is possible.

Sometimes it is harder for those of us who were or still are victims to forgive their emotional and psychological manipulation and bullying transgressors. But this also can happen, even if the manipulation abuser and bully has deceased. It is the forgiving intention and action that heals the heart.

Most often these situations brew over time. It is less rare that they just pop up over night. It happens in families. It happens in work, social, religious, educational, financial, governments and all human interaction circles. Manipulation caused by intentional fear is at the root of the guilt and obligation we feel.

Sometimes the manipulator succeeds in twisting the truth so much that we are led to assume that we are the ones who are at fault and need to get the blame for the broken relationship. At other times innocent characters get slandered when truth twisting gets neatly spun into a web of convenient lies, as if manipulating and bullying aren’t devious enough.

This is part of the intended victimization process. But once light dawns and we see things clearly for what is actually taking place, we can take a deep breath and begin to do what we can to heal the situation when such opportunities arise. If the possibility for healing does not present itself, WE DO NOT STAY IN THE VICTIM ROLE. We do what we can and move on and live our lives peacefully with faith, hope and love. Those are the only answers.

If emotional and psychological healing is what we want for both sides, then we should first pray. Prayer cannot be underrated, and is the only thing that can work when all else fails.

Healing involves a decision. To move past unbelievable hurt in broken relationships, we need to be ready for reconciliation when it becomes possible and desired, if ever it happens, even when we think this opportunity might never present itself.

This post is addressing emotional abuse, not physical abuse, which include other guidelines and counsel.

It is never too late to mend a broken relationship while people are still alive.

Preston Ni, a professor, presenter, private coach and author of Communication Success With Four Personality Types and How To Communicate Effectively And Handle Difficult People, authored the article in Psychology Today entitled, 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. His 14 signs of psychological and emotional manipulation are listed below.

Relationships can be confusing. To help clarify what we are going through and to decide the best way to proceed to a healthier state, it is good to look at the 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. It will help to recognize manipulative signs in order to put a stop to them, either by us being the manipulator or by us being the abused victim of the manipulator.

“Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim’s expense.

“It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda,” Ni says.

Ni lists 14 tell-tail signs to watch out for:

1. A manipulative individual may insist on you meeting and interacting in a physical space where he or she can exercise more dominance and control. This can be the manipulator’s office, home, car, or other spaces where he feels ownership and familiarity (and where you lack them).

2. Many sales people do this when they prospect you. By asking you general and probing questions, they establish a baseline about your thinking and behavior, from which they can then evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. This type of questioning with hidden agenda can also occur at the workplace or in personal relationships.

3. Manipulation of facts is another sign to watch out for. Examples of this include: lying, excuse making, being two faced, blaming the victim for causing their own victimization, deformation of the truth, strategic disclosure or withholding of key information, exaggeration, understatement, and have a one-sided bias of issue.

4. Some individuals enjoy “intellectual bullying” by presuming to be the expert and most knowledgeable in certain areas. They take advantage of you by imposing alleged facts, statistics, and other data you may know little about. This can happen in sales and financial situations, in professional discussions and negotiations, as well as in social and relational arguments. By presuming expert power over you, the manipulator hopes to push through her or his agenda more convincingly. Some people use this technique for no other reason than to feel a sense of intellectual superiority.

5. Certain people use bureaucracy – paperwork, procedures, laws and by-laws, committees, and other roadblocks to maintain their position and power, while making your life more difficult. This technique can also be used to delay fact finding and truth seeking, hide flaws and weaknesses, and evade scrutiny.

6. Some individuals raise their voice during discussions as a form of aggressive manipulation. The assumption may be that if they project their voice loudly enough, or display negative emotions, you’ll submit to their coercion and give them what they want. The aggressive voice is frequently combined with strong body language such as standing or excited gestures to increase impact.

7. Some people use negative surprises to put you off balance and gain a psychological advantage. This can range from low balling in a negotiation situation, to a sudden profession that she or he will not be able to come through and deliver in some way. Typically, the unexpected negative information comes without warning, so you have little time to prepare and counter their move. The manipulator may ask for additional concessions from you in order to continue working with you.

8. This is a common sales and negotiation tactic, where the manipulator puts pressure on you to make a decision before you’re ready. By applying tension and control onto you, it is hoped that you will “crack” and give in to the aggressor’s demands.

9. Some manipulators like to make critical remarks, often disguised as humor or sarcasm, to make you seem inferior and less secure. Examples can include any variety of comments ranging from your appearance, to your older model smart phone, to your background and credentials, to the fact that you walked in two minutes late and out of breath. By making you look bad, and getting you to feel bad, the aggressor hopes to impose psychological superiority over you.

10. Distinct from the previous behavior where negative humor is used as a cover, here the manipulator outright picks on you. By constantly marginalizing, ridiculing, and dismissing you, she or he keeps you off-balance and maintains her superiority. The aggressor deliberately fosters the impression that there’s always something wrong with you, and that no matter how hard you try, you are inadequate and will never be good enough. Significantly, the manipulator focuses on the negative without providing genuine and constructive solutions, or offering meaningful ways to help.

11. By deliberately not responding to your reasonable calls, text messages, emails, or other inquiries, the manipulator presumes power by making you wait, and intends to place doubt and uncertainty in your mind. The silent treatment is a head game where silence is used as a form of leverage.

12. Pretending ignorance is the classic “playing dumb” tactic. By pretending, she or he doesn’t understand what you want, or what you want her to do. The manipulation/passive aggressive person makes you take on what is her responsibility, and gets you to break a sweat. Some children use this tactic in order to delay, stall, and manipulate adults into doing for them what they don’t want to do. Some grownups use this tactic as well when they have something to hide, or obligation they wish to avoid.

13. Guilt baiting and unreasonable blaming is used, targeting the recipient’s soft spot, holding another responsible for the manipulator’s happiness and success, or unhappiness and failure.

14. Examples of victimhood include exaggerated or imagined personal issues, exaggerated or imagined health issues, dependency, co-dependency, deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy and favor, playing weak, powerless or pretending to be a martyr. The purpose of manipulative victimhood is often to exploit the recipient’s good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty, obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct, in order to extract unreasonable benefits and concessions.

Yes, we have a right to our feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. But it is also true that whatever we focus on grows. So, if we focus on how hurt we are and how justified we are at being hurt, poor us, then no healing is possible when we cling to the division that separates us. This is a decision we consciously make.

It is just as possible to reach out and consciously make the decision to heal broken relationships, no matter what has happened. Forgiveness is humanly possible, no matter what our insane, puffed-up ego says. The ego wants to be right, but our mental and psychological health needs the healing of the relationship(s) in order to be whole.

We can mature beyond past hurts. This is part of human character development. To remain in unforgiveness, one way or the other, is to remain in a child-like state mentally and psychologically. No one says we have to mature, but what a sad state of affairs it is for adults to remain as children.

We may all see ourselves in one role or another as we look back on our lives. Growth in character and psychological and emotional development is always possible. We can always choose to be better people.

Let us take this opportunity of the Christmas Season, one of new hope, new love, new forgiveness of our shortcomings, to reach out to one another, and heal what is broken.

God Bless Everyone Everywhere

Christmas Is A Wonderful Time To Heal Broken Relationships ~ Manipulation ~ FOG ~ Control Freak Games


Most of us know when we are being manipulated by others using the all familiar tactics of fear, obligation and guilt (aka FOG). But at other times, we can be entangled in the web of other people’s preconceived control-freak game before we are consciously aware it is taking place. This is when others will set up or spin situations to their benefit, much to the infringement of our own free will and immediate knowledge. This is bullying. This is abuse.

1. What is the tell tale sign this is happening to us?
2. How do we make it stop?
3. How do we get control of our life back without threats by others?

If you are being bullied, tell someone. Seek counseling.
If you are being abused, tell someone. Seek counseling.

Has anyone ever said to you, “You need to do this, that or the other thing, or else I won’t speak to you anymore,’ or, ‘If you speak to that person, I will never talk to you again,’ or, ‘Stop it, or else I won’t love you, speak to you, or have you in my life anymore.’?” If so, AND YOU GO ALONG WITH IT, you have been or are being manipulated.

Sadly, this is even used as a weapon in divorces. If you go along with the manipulator’s whims, you will only be able to speak with or associate with only the people manipulators say can be in your life, or any other conditions they wish to control. Sometimes the manipulation abuser uses other threats, but there is always a threat involving the relationship you and the abuser share. It’s a control-freak game.

Manipulation and guilt are forms of psychological and emotional abuse. Once it is recognized by the victim, health only returns to the person who has been bullied by manipulation tactics when the situation is addressed. It requires a one-on-one communication with the manipulator, no middle man or referee. Once anyone has stepped between the manipulator and the person being manipulated, no healing can take place until or if the manipulator and the person being manipulated address the situation personally.

Once the manipulation abuser becomes aware that they themselves were often first manipulated by this bullying technique, their mental state can only become healthy when they recognize how manipulation first restricted them, and fully acknowledge that fact. It is quite an eye opener.

At first it is a hard pill to swallow because manipulation abusers want to justify in their past actions. It hurts when the manipulator first comes to the realization that they themselves were first victims of the bullying, manipulating game by those they loved, or included in their lives through work, social and all other human interaction circles.

Families, mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, and other family relations, work relations, and all other human interactions have been split up by these hurtful words lasting a lifetime. Sometimes it is over a one-way situation, leaving one person in the two-step manipulation dance of avoidance totally in the dark. For non-family manipulation and bullying situations, we simply walk away. But when it comes to family, it is good to know that these situations can heal if both sides care to work on it.

Manipulating in order to get ones way is a childish act, something two-years-old children discover to be very effective. In the maturing process, sometimes we forget to be better people.

Once someone has been the victim earlier in their life in the manipulation game, they have also learned how to be manipulators themselves, continuing the control-freak downward spiral. If they are smart, and many are, and recognize that they do not want to pass on the terrible bullying and manipulation tendencies to continue the victimization cycle, they stop, seek restitution to the relationship, opening the door to forgiveness. This takes inner fortitude. It can be difficult, but it is not impossible.

The victimization cycle can be broken. People can emotionally and psychologically grow up. But it requires brutal honesty with ones self. It also requires a forgiving heart, not just for those we have victimized, but also for the manipulator her/himself. We can be the world’s worst critics of ourselves. We need to learn how to forgive ourselves so we can then forgive those we have hurt by our own thoughts, words and actions. Healing is possible.

Sometimes it is harder for those of us who were or still are victims to forgive their emotional and psychological manipulation and bullying transgressors. But this also can happen, even if the manipulation abuser and bully has deceased. It is the forgiving intention and action that heals the heart.

Most often these situations brew over time. It is less rare that they just pop up over night. It happens in families. It happens in work, social, religious, educational, financial, governments and all human interaction circles. Manipulation caused by intentional fear is at the root of the guilt and obligation we feel.

Sometimes the manipulator succeeds in twisting the truth so much that we are led to assume that we are the ones who are at fault and need to get the blame for the broken relationship. At other times innocent characters get slandered when truth twisting gets neatly spun into a web of convenient lies, as if manipulating and bullying aren’t devious enough.

This is part of the intended victimization process. But once light dawns and we see things clearly for what is actually taking place, we can take a deep breath and begin to do what we can to heal the situation when such opportunities arise. If the possibility for healing does not present itself, WE DO NOT STAY IN THE VICTIM ROLE. We do what we can and move on and live our lives peacefully with faith, hope and love. Those are the only answers.

If emotional and psychological healing is what we want for both sides, then we should first pray. Prayer cannot be underrated, and is the only thing that can work when all else fails.

Healing involves a decision. To move past unbelievable hurt in broken relationships, we need to be ready for reconciliation when it becomes possible and desired, if ever it happens, even when we think this opportunity might never present itself.

This post is addressing emotional abuse, not physical abuse, which include other guidelines and counsel.

It is never too late to mend a broken relationship while people are still alive.

Preston Ni, a professor, presenter, private coach and author of Communication Success With Four Personality Types and How To Communicate Effectively And Handle Difficult People, authored the article in Psychology Today entitled, 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. His 14 signs of psychological and emotional manipulation are listed below.

Relationships can be confusing. To help clarify what we are going through and to decide the best way to proceed to a healthier state, it is good to look at the 14 Signs Of Psychological And Emotional Manipulation. It will help to recognize manipulative signs in order to put a stop to them, either by us being the manipulator or by us being the abused victim of the manipulator.

“Psychological manipulation can be defined as the exercise of undue influence through mental distortion and emotional exploitation, with the intention to seize power, control, benefits and/or privileges at the victim’s expense.

“It is important to distinguish healthy social influence from psychological manipulation. Healthy social influence occurs between most people, and is part of the give and take of constructive relationships. In psychological manipulation, one person is used for the benefit of another. The manipulator deliberately creates an imbalance of power, and exploits the victim to serve his or her agenda,” Ni says.

Ni lists 14 tell-tail signs to watch out for:

1. A manipulative individual may insist on you meeting and interacting in a physical space where he or she can exercise more dominance and control. This can be the manipulator’s office, home, car, or other spaces where he feels ownership and familiarity (and where you lack them).

2. Many sales people do this when they prospect you. By asking you general and probing questions, they establish a baseline about your thinking and behavior, from which they can then evaluate your strengths and weaknesses. This type of questioning with hidden agenda can also occur at the workplace or in personal relationships.

3. Manipulation of facts is another sign to watch out for. Examples of this include: lying, excuse making, being two faced, blaming the victim for causing their own victimization, deformation of the truth, strategic disclosure or withholding of key information, exaggeration, understatement, and have a one-sided bias of issue.

4. Some individuals enjoy “intellectual bullying” by presuming to be the expert and most knowledgeable in certain areas. They take advantage of you by imposing alleged facts, statistics, and other data you may know little about. This can happen in sales and financial situations, in professional discussions and negotiations, as well as in social and relational arguments. By presuming expert power over you, the manipulator hopes to push through her or his agenda more convincingly. Some people use this technique for no other reason than to feel a sense of intellectual superiority.

5. Certain people use bureaucracy – paperwork, procedures, laws and by-laws, committees, and other roadblocks to maintain their position and power, while making your life more difficult. This technique can also be used to delay fact finding and truth seeking, hide flaws and weaknesses, and evade scrutiny.

6. Some individuals raise their voice during discussions as a form of aggressive manipulation. The assumption may be that if they project their voice loudly enough, or display negative emotions, you’ll submit to their coercion and give them what they want. The aggressive voice is frequently combined with strong body language such as standing or excited gestures to increase impact.

7. Some people use negative surprises to put you off balance and gain a psychological advantage. This can range from low balling in a negotiation situation, to a sudden profession that she or he will not be able to come through and deliver in some way. Typically, the unexpected negative information comes without warning, so you have little time to prepare and counter their move. The manipulator may ask for additional concessions from you in order to continue working with you.

8. This is a common sales and negotiation tactic, where the manipulator puts pressure on you to make a decision before you’re ready. By applying tension and control onto you, it is hoped that you will “crack” and give in to the aggressor’s demands.

9. Some manipulators like to make critical remarks, often disguised as humor or sarcasm, to make you seem inferior and less secure. Examples can include any variety of comments ranging from your appearance, to your older model smart phone, to your background and credentials, to the fact that you walked in two minutes late and out of breath. By making you look bad, and getting you to feel bad, the aggressor hopes to impose psychological superiority over you.

10. Distinct from the previous behavior where negative humor is used as a cover, here the manipulator outright picks on you. By constantly marginalizing, ridiculing, and dismissing you, she or he keeps you off-balance and maintains her superiority. The aggressor deliberately fosters the impression that there’s always something wrong with you, and that no matter how hard you try, you are inadequate and will never be good enough. Significantly, the manipulator focuses on the negative without providing genuine and constructive solutions, or offering meaningful ways to help.

11. By deliberately not responding to your reasonable calls, text messages, emails, or other inquiries, the manipulator presumes power by making you wait, and intends to place doubt and uncertainty in your mind. The silent treatment is a head game where silence is used as a form of leverage.

12. Pretending ignorance is the classic “playing dumb” tactic. By pretending, she or he doesn’t understand what you want, or what you want her to do. The manipulation/passive aggressive person makes you take on what is her responsibility, and gets you to break a sweat. Some children use this tactic in order to delay, stall, and manipulate adults into doing for them what they don’t want to do. Some grownups use this tactic as well when they have something to hide, or obligation they wish to avoid.

13. Guilt baiting and unreasonable blaming is used, targeting the recipient’s soft spot, holding another responsible for the manipulator’s happiness and success, or unhappiness and failure.

14. Examples of victimhood include exaggerated or imagined personal issues, exaggerated or imagined health issues, dependency, co-dependency, deliberate frailty to elicit sympathy and favor, playing weak, powerless or pretending to be a martyr. The purpose of manipulative victimhood is often to exploit the recipient’s good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty, obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct, in order to extract unreasonable benefits and concessions.

Yes, we have a right to our feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. But it is also true that whatever we focus on grows. So, if we focus on how hurt we are and how justified we are at being hurt, poor us, then no healing is possible when we cling to the division that separates us. This is a decision we consciously make.

It is just as possible to reach out and consciously make the decision to heal broken relationships, no matter what has happened. Forgiveness is humanly possible, no matter what our insane, puffed-up ego says. The ego wants to be right, but our mental and psychological health needs the healing of the relationship(s) in order to be whole.

We can mature beyond past hurts. This is part of human character development. To remain in unforgiveness, one way or the other, is to remain in a child-like state mentally and psychologically. No one says we have to mature, but what a sad state of affairs it is for adults to remain as children.

We may all see ourselves in one role or another as we look back on our lives. Growth in character and psychological and emotional development is always possible. We can always choose to be better people.

Let us take this opportunity of the Christmas Season, one of new hope, new love, new forgiveness of our shortcomings, to reach out to one another, and heal what is broken.

God Bless