Rule #1: MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE. National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233
Rule #2: MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE. National Domestic Violence TTY Hotline 800-787-3224
Rule #3: MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE. Abuse Victim Hotline by state www.avhotline.org
Do you feel safe? Do you feel safe in all your relationships? Do feel safe in your home? Do you feel safe at your employment? Do you feel safe in your social circles, friendships, affiliations, clubs, including social media? Do you feel safe when you are alone?
Do you feel unsafe in some situations? Do you feel unsafe around certain people? Do you feel threatened or intimidated by anyone legally, physically, financially, morally, or even spiritually?
It is most important to feel safe in your own skin, safe in your own mind, and safe in your own soul.
Much has been written about promoting tolerance, getting along, defusing situations, and compromising for the greater good that can be experienced in this beautiful and amazing life. But those of us who have more tender mental constitutions, and weaker willed individuals can be bullied beyond belief by strong personalities, louder and more demonstrative characters, bowling over any and all attempts that might possibly arrive at a healed and more whole relationship.
These are lessons school children learn, how to get along. But sometimes we carry this attempt at normal too far, but trying to apply tolerance and compromise to abusive and dysfunctional relationships, when we really should be running for the hills.
Your feelings and emotions are your accurate, internal measure of what you should do next. Emotional abuse feels bad, makes you nauseous, gives you anxiety attacks, with a generalized feeling of malaise, depression and low energy. The intensity of your feelings and emotions is a signal that things need to change if you are going to re-gain your mental, physical and spiritual health.
There is never any reason to tolerate physical, mental/emotional abuse, or bullying as a normal behavior. This seems like it is common sense, but it is not that easy to the person who is being physically abused, emotionally blackmailed, and threatened by law suits or any other kind of manipulation. The longer bullies bully their victim, the more debilitating fear cripples the victim. Domestic violence is never OK under any circumstance.
Freedom comes when you gather your courage, and STAND UP. Stand up for yourself, speak out to someone you can trust. Do not remain silent. Silence is not golden. Silence is deadly, literally. Bullies do not go away. Bullies get stronger the longer they stay at it. The longer a bully stays a bully, the more brazen they get, and the more their bullying tactics escalate.
An important point to make here is to realize that people with destructive personality disorders most often look just the same as you and me. Mass murderers do not look like mass murdereers. They look like regular people, for the most part. Abusive partners also dress in expensive clothing, can be financially successful, and have no tell-tale marks that make them stand out from no-abusive partners. They might even appear to have wide circles of “friends” around them, but the truth is, these are usually superficial trophies. Do not be intimated by any of this. This presentation of how bullies portray themselves is a facade. However, the vengeance the bully feels is very real, and must be dealt with, not ignored.
The question is how to stand up and deal with bullies, emotional blackmail, and threats of mental, emotional and physical abuse. Again, go by how you feel. You need to get to a safe place on all levels: mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. If you feel unsafe addressing these problems yourself, seek immediate help from a counselor, police, fire or shelter. Do not wait. Your health and well-being depend on getting help not only for yourself, but also for the abuser.
Manipulating behaviors tend to show up ever so subtly in the earlier days of the relationship, but can also manifest later in the relationship if stressors change. Pay attention. Pay attention to how you feel when certain things happen. You might even keep a journal of your feelings, if you feel safe to do so.
The important thing to know is there is no tolerance for abusive behaviors. Verbal abuse can be even more detrimental to the health and well-being of children, spouses, and everyone living or working under the same roof.
Sometimes abusive behaviors manifest over time, after the relationship is well-established. The person being abused knows that even the abusing person has a good side from time to time, and at the good times, has earned their love. The person being abused wonders if they have done or said something to trigger the abuse. Most often the person receiving the abuse is told it is their fault that the abuser is abusing. Know this is not true.
Everyone is in charge of their own feelings, emotions and actions. There is no way you are ever in charge of the abuser’s feelings, emotions or actions no matter what has happened.
You are a gift from God.
You are beautiful, and I am so very glad you are here.